Alphabet Soup in Hurricane Season
by Margo'sShed
Summary: This is the Sequel to my story ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS (so please read that first!) The continuing story of Max and Zoe...
1. Chapter 1

****_SIX YEARS LATER..._****  
**Zoe sat, eyes on the rear view mirror. The sage green front door, the wreath still hung from Christmas. The pine needles had shed and now it was merely a round hoop of twigs with a red bow tied at its centre, and if you looked closely you could see the black spots of mould spores beginning to take a hold of the plush scarlet.**  
**She made a mental note to take it down tomorrow.**  
**Now, it was time for work. She rubbed her hands together and breathed against them. It was cold. January had been colder than expected and the snow seemed to be a permanent, unwanted fixture. **  
**She started the engine. Steep white banks of muddied snow were build up at the edge of the roads, the tarmac slipped and moved beneath her tyres and her windscreen fogged up with her breath so that she had to lean forward in her seat to peer through the glass.**  
**The journey to work had taken double the time for three consecutive weeks now, and there didn't seem to be any hint that the temperature may soon begin to rise, or the weather change...just the ever-present looming of heavily pregnant brown clouds that hung, unmoving above them, every so often releasing a new litter of perfect white snow flakes onto the world below.**  
**She parked. Unclipped her seat belt and stepped out into the car park. She could feel the ice and slush slither beneath the soles of her feet and she praised herself for remembering to leave her heels at her desk, ready and waiting for her.**  
**She pulled her bag up onto her shoulder so that it nestled in the crook of her arm.**  
**"Looking very trim, Dr Walker."**  
**Connie placed a hand at her back, her breath white, billowing out about her lips, the sharp clatter of her heels muffled by the snow.**  
**"God, I don't think I've eaten since New Years."**  
**Zoe rolled her eyes, stepping in time with Connie, moving with her across the car park to the hospital entrance.**  
**"Sod those New Years excessive videos and diet fads. Stress! Too stressed to eat, too stressed to sit still..."**  
**She paused as they entered through the automatic doors.**  
**"Works like a charm..."**  
**She added, glancing to Connie who tilted her head towards her.**  
**"It does get easier."**  
**She spoke quietly and again she pressed a hand against her lower back. **  
**They stopped at reception for Connie to collect her post.**  
**"And remember."**  
**Connie said, flicking through the pile of unopened letters that she held whilst they continued on their way along the corridor to the office.**  
**"I've been there, remember. If you need me..."**  
**She added, tailing off as Dr Ashford approached them. Connie leant back against the office door.**  
**"See you later."**  
**She murmured, pushing down on the door handle with her elbow and backing into the room with a brief nod to Ash who slowed as he neared Zoe.**  
**"Zoe!"**  
**He waved a half-hearted greeting and stopped before her.**  
**"You're looking very..."**  
**He paused and looked at her, suddenly unsure of how to word what it was he wanted to say.**  
**"Is that a new dress?"**  
**He asked instead. She smiled and shook her head ever so slightly.**  
**Ash glanced down at whatever it was that he was holding and cleared his throat, his forced enthusiasm seeming to wane.**  
**Eventually he looked back up, his head tilted to one side, the expression everyone, with the exception of Connie, seemed to adopt when they asked...**  
**"So...how is he?"**  
**He asked, a frown furrowing between his eyes. **  
**Zoe raised her shoulders slightly, hunching them and releasing them slowly, pursing her lips.**  
**"Much the same."**  
**She said with a vague nod of her head.**  
**"I'm on my way up there now."**  
**She added with a half-hearted gesture to the stair way behind her. Ash glanced towards them and back to her.**  
**"Ah..."**  
**He pushed the item in his hand into his trouser pocket and clapped his hands together quietly.**  
**"Well, I'd better let you get on then!"**  
**He said with obvious relief. Zoe nodded yet again and murmured a good bye as he backed away from her.**  
**She turned and looked again towards the stairs, she moved forwards, could feel the soft squelch of the damp inside her shoes, she clenched her fingers, felt the cool metal of her wedding band against her fingertip. **  
**And at the foot of the stairs she turned left.**

****Welcome to the ****_Absolute Beginners _****sequel! I hope everyone reads and enjoys as much as the first one. Comments and reviews greatly appreciated! xxx****


	2. Chapter 2

**"Shouldn't you be upstairs?"**  
**Charlie asked as Zoe entered RESUS.**  
**"He's having treatment..."**  
**Zoe removed her stethoscope from about her neck, averting her eyes from Charlie who raised an eyebrow at her.**  
**"I thought treatment began at two?"**  
**He asked pointedly, it was ten past six.**  
**"Yes, Charlie, alright!"**  
**She spoke under her breath and watched him as he manoeuvred himself so that he stood opposite her on the other side of the patient who lay between them.**  
**"I'll go afterwards."**  
**She said quietly.**  
**"So...Who do we have here?"**  
**She asked quickly, before Charlie could speak again.**  
**Ethan pushed his glasses further up his nose and cleared his throat as though announcing his presence before he spoke.**  
**"Dr Hardy?"**  
**Zoe looked to him, stethoscope in hand.**  
**"Uh, this is Hannah Wakefield, twenty seven. Bought in complaining of headaches, blurred vision and abdominal discomfort."**  
**He looked to Charlie who was checking her temperature.**  
**"No change, 38.5."**  
**He said, gesturing with the thermometer.**  
**"Ok, can we start with some tepid sponging to bring her temperature down, someone bring in a fan?"**  
**She glanced to a passing porter, hailing him as she spoke.**  
**"Fan, please."**  
**She instructed. The porter gave a quick nod of the head and exited quickly.**  
**"Right, lets organise a CSU please and we need to irrigate the catheter."**  
**She placed her stethoscope back about her shoulders, Charlie's hand reaching out for her.**  
**"There's really no need for you to be here you know. Ethan is more than capable..."**  
**Charlie spoke quietly, his hand warm against her back. Zoe drew in a breath and exhaled with frustration.**  
**"I will go up when I'm finished here."**  
**She murmured, folding her arms tightly across her chest, watching as Ethan and Robyn scurried about taking care of the young woman in the bed.**  
**"And miss tucking Tabitha up in bed? Miss kissing her good night?"**  
**Charlie asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.**  
**"Charlie..."**  
**She began, but he pushed her gently towards the door.**  
**"You can see him tomorrow."**  
**He said firmly and she huffed out a breath.**  
**"He needs me!"**  
**She hissed, yet another day had gone by and she had failed to keep her promise to go and see him...**  
**"Zoe. As harsh as this may sound, he's not going to know that you've missed a couple of days. It's just you that knows it...so stop beating yourself up about it, OK?"**  
**He pushed open the double doors leading out of RESUS and stood still, waiting for her to pass through.**  
**"OK?"**  
**He asked again, a smile twitching at the corners of his lips as she huffed her agreement and moved to pass him by slowly.**  
**"Go and ask that husband of yours to make you one of his world famous hot chocolates."**  
**Charlie called to her retreating figure.**  
**"God knows you deserve it."**  
**He added.**  
****More soon! So glad everyone enjoyed the first instalment! xxx****


	3. Chapter 3

"One hot chocolate, as requested. Extra cream, extra spices, extra chocolate..."

Max set the white mug down in front of his wife. The steam rose up from it, the smell of it making her smile.

"Thank you."

She whispered, reaching out and touching his hands.

"You haven't asked me how he was."

She said quietly, taking a hold of the mug with one hand, tracing a line with the fingers of her other hand across the skin of his thumb and forefinger.

He shrugged.

"I assumed you hadn't been to see him."

He said, raising his index finger to meet her own, pressing the pad of his fingertip against hers, watching her as she took a sip, wincing against the heat of it.

She shook her head slightly.

"I didn't."

She sighed, placing the mug back down on the table and looking up at him.

"Couldn't."

She added.

"It's ok you know."

He moved around the counter to where she sat, slouched over the breakfast bar, perched on a stool.

He wrapped his arms about her from behind and pressed his face into her hair, drawing in a deep breath, smelling all that was her, her perfume had all but worn off during the day, but there was that unmistakeable scent left that was just 'her'.

"He's my Dad, I should go and see him."

She whispered, feeling his arms about her, relaxing back into him, enjoying the touch of him.

"You should. And you will. But when you're ready."

He said, squeezing her that extra little bit more causing her to exhale.

"He hasn't got long..."

She began, but let her words disappear into the air around them and took up her drink again, taking another sip. Max leant back slightly and rested his chin on the top of her head.

"Go tomorrow, before he has the chemo. I'll go with you?"

He asked. She felt his throat vibrate against the back of her head.

"Please."

She whispered, closing her eyes, resting her lips against the rim of the mug.

"Where are you going?"

A voice from behind them asked, the sound of the kitchen door knocking against the edge of the dresser followed.

Max turned his head and reached out a hand to Tabitha who entered, her arms full of a scrawling tabby cat who kicked with it's back legs to break free.

"Put the cat down..."

Max smiled though his words were firm, if he had a penny for every time he had said that sentence...

Tabitha dropped the cat who landed, bristled it's fur and stalked off with a backward glare.

"Where are you going?"

She asked again, slipping in between them and reaching up to Max who tucked his hands beneath her armpits and pulled her up onto the work surface so that she sat alongside the hot chocolate.

"Can I have some?"

She asked, her blue eyes widening as she looked at the steaming mug, the cream that Max had hand whipped lsathered across it's top.

Zoe held it out to her so that she could have a sip.

"We're not going anywhere sweetheart."

She said, watching her daughter smack her lips, her eyes so bright and wild, Max's eyes...

"But you said..."

"We were just talking about seeing Granddad tomorrow, at the hospital."

Max answered, placing a hand on Zoe's shoulder, squeezing gently.

"Can I come too?"

Tabitha asked, reaching for the hot chocolate again.

"You'll be at school!"

Max said, batting her hand away from the hot chocolate.

"That's your mothers, get down and I'll make you one."

He winked at her as he spoke and lifted her up into his arms. She pulled him close, clutching her little legs about his waist and nuzzling her face into his neck as he kissed her, shrieking as she was prickled by his stubble.

"Go and put _Charlie and Lola _on and I'll bring you one in."

He said eventually, dropping her to the ground and reaching a hand to tousle her hair that rain in two dark plaits that whipped and jostled down her back as she skipped her way out of the kitchen, the sound of her little feet echoing down the hall and into the sitting room.

They heard the television turn on.

He busied himself with the remainder of the chocolate that he set to warm again on the hob.

"You look exhausted."

He said quietly, without looking up.

Zoe cupped the mug between both hands and held it before her, elbows resting on the counter top, mind vaguely drifting off.

"I'm just tired."

She said, and as if on queue she yawned.

He poured the last of the chocolate into Tabitha's cup. A ceramic _Peppa Pig _that Max's mother had bought her for her last birthday.

"Let me take this to her lady ship. I'll do bath time and bed time."

He said, reaching out a hand, touching her cheek as he moved passed her.

"And then I'll get you to bed."

He added as he made his way out into the hallway.

****More soon! xxx****


	4. Chapter 4

**"Good morning Mr and Mrs Walker..."**

**Connie's voice greeted them before they noticed her. She curved about in front of them, eyebrow raised, a smile at the corners of her lips, they turned down, her eyes sparkling.**

**"You're in a good mood!"**

**Zoe exclaimed, watching as Connie moved out of the way of an oncoming trolley. She reached out and held the double doors open, waiting for them to pass through before she answered.**

**"Well, it's the new year."**

**She said, with little attempt at explaining what she meant. She merely shrugged her shoulders slightly, narrowed her hazel eyes and looked from Zoe to Max and then back to Zoe again with a slight arc of an eyebrow.**

**Zoe bit back the desire to ask her what she was thinking, knowing full well that she wouldn't answer...**

**"We're just going upstairs."**

**She said, following Connie along the corridor, noticing the quick flicks of the red soled shoes, her heels cracking sharply against the floor, the Scarlet soles licking the tiles.**

**Connie glanced back over her shoulder, pausing, coming to a gradual halt as she reached the door to her office.**

**"Both of you?"**

**She asked, looking to Max who nodded his head ever so slightly.**

**"I'll never brave it on my own."**

**Zoe laughed slightly, a humourless laugh that made her instantly feel awkward. Connie pursed her lips and reached out a hand to place her fingers about Max's arm, she squeezed gently.**

**"You're far too much to live up to."**

**She murmured cryptically, letting her hand fall back to her side.**

**Zoe followed the fall of her arm, looked up, lips parted.**

**"Well!"**

**Connie exhaled, speaking before Zoe had a chance to.**

**"I'm sure I'll see you both later. Send my regards to your father, Zoe."**

**She gave a quick nod of her head and pushed down on the door handle of her office with her elbow, pushing back. The door swung open easily and she slipped through the narrowest of gaps. Zoe squinted, Max leant against her, peering into the room before Connie closed the door with a soft click.**

**"Was there someone else in there?"**

**He cleared his throat.**

**"A woman someone else?"**

**He asked, looking to Zoe who still frowned at the door.**

**"I think so..."**

**She said quietly, her frown deepening.**

**"And I think she was naked...?!"**

**She added, looking to Max, her frown dissolving into one of complete bafflement. **

**"I didn't know she..."**

**He shrugged.**

**"swung both ways..."**

**He concluded after a moments thought.**

**Zoe rolled her eyes, drawing in a breath.**

**"Connie's not bi-sexual, she's omni-sexual! She's like that tornado in the Wizard of Oz, sweeping up everything in her path. Man, woman...undecided..."**  
**She murmured and a slow grin spread across Max's lips and he dipped his head.**

**"Stop it!"**

**She said, nudging him with her elbow.**

**"I'm not doing anything!"**

**He exclaimed, pulling her closer to him, wrapping his arm tightly about her waist and pulling her towards him as they started to make their way towards the stair case that every day she, even with the best intentions had managed not to climb.**

**Once at the top she paused to catch her breath. They could see the ward beyond through the thin wired glass of the double doors.**

**Max held her, turned his face into hers, kissed the side of her head through her hair.**

**"I love you."**

**He whispered.**

**"And I'm here. Ok?"**

**He kissed the side of her head again and removed his arm from about her waist, instead he reached for her hand, tucked in inside his own and pulled her forwards himself to pass through the door.**

**The smell hit them. Disinfectant, drugs...death.**

**Max sniffed and rubbed the back of his free hand across the end of his nose, slipping Zoe a sideways glance.**

**"Where is he?"**

**He asked, screwing up his face as a body was wheeled passed them, the outline only barely visible through the thin white sheets, the dips and folds creasing over the rise and fall of the nose, the lips, puckering into the gaping hole of a mouth.**

**"Over there."**

**She said, nodding in the direction of a small side room that had all of it's blinds closed, the door however was sightly open, the room dim within.**

**"Coming?"**

**Max asked, making to step forwards but faltering as Zoe seemed unable to move.**

**She smiled slightly, nervously. Her hand felt sweaty beneath his own.**

**"What if he doesn't recognise me?"**

**She asked in a small voice.**

**Max drew in a breath and stepped back towards her, slipping a hand over her hip, he lowered his gaze to her, leaning in and touching his forehead against her own.**

**"Then he doesn't recognise you. And he thinks you're just another doctor in a long, long line of doctors who are coming in and out to check he's still alive."**

**He said. He felt her forehead crease against his.**

**"But!"**

**He added.**

**"What if he does recognise you? What if just seeing you gives him a little bit of happiness?"**

**He whispered. His nose pressed against hers and he looked directly at her, feeling himself go cross eyed. She smiled and the whisper of a laugh escaped her lips. She leant back so that she could see him properly.**

**"Fine."**

**She breathed, taking hold of his hand again, tighter this time, and she drew in another trembling breath and looked back towards the door before them.**

**"Lead the way."**

**She said.**

****More tonight! I've had the unexpected pleasure of three hours to myself (with no children) so I've been catching up... xxx****


	5. Chapter 5

**"Dad?"**

**Zoe whispered as they pushed the door to the little room. It opened further. The room smelled faintly of bleach.**

**Max hovered by the door whilst Zoe moved toward the bed. The bleeping of a heart monitor next to him the reassurance that she needed to tell her that he was still alive.**

**She stood by his bedside. He lay, a frail jumble of bones and dark flesh that seemed to sag about his form, too big for him now...**

**She placed a hand on the bed covers, feeling his own hand beneath, she leant over, his breathing was laboured and the whites of his eyes occasionally flickered.**

**"He's sleeping."**

**She whispered and glanced to Max who looked to the man in the bed, his father in law, who lay there, slowly dying.**

**"Talk to him."**

**He whispered.**

**She hesitated, withdrew her hand. There was a bitter taste at the back of her mouth and a hard lump began to form within her throat. She swallowed and looked again to Max.**

**"I think we should leave."**

**She said quietly, running her fingers to her wedding band, twisting it in circles as she always did when she was nervous.**

**Max simply shook his head.**

**Zoe glanced back at her father.**

**"Look at this place!"**

**She whispered, smiling a fractured smile drawn from the tension she felt at her jaws. A burning tension, the threat of tears.**

**"He's just lying there...in this place. This room..."**

**She frowned and looked toward the windows, the curtains were drawn.**

**"The curtains are drawn...why are the curtains drawn? It's so sunny outside..."**

**She stood, looking at the curtains on the opposite side fo the bed for a moment before she looked back at her father. How small he was suddenly. She remembered how when she was little she used to clasp her fingers about his upper arm and he used to lift her up and down as though he were weight lifting with her. Or how they'd dance together with her standing on his shoes...**

**She twisted her ring.**

**"I can't leave him in here!"**

**She said, but her voice cracked and she had to clear her throat. She looked at Max, her eyes pooled with tears so that they sparkled in the stream of light that shafted in through the gap in the curtains.**

**"This room...this place is killing him!"**

**She whispered.**

**Max took a step towards her and pulled her to him, placing a hand at the back of her head and pulling her close so that he face pressed against his shoulder.**

**"Cancer's killing him."**

**He said, just loud enough for her to hear. She pressed her eyes closed and Max felt the damp of tears seep through his jumper.**

**"I don't want him to die."**

**Her voice was so strained when she spoke that she struggled to even say the words, and her mouth pressed harder against him, she tasted the wool of his jumper against her tongue. Her nose began to run and she sniffed against him. **

**"How many times do I have to tell you to stop sniffing and get a tissue?!"**

**A voice made her jump, Max felt her flinch against him before she pulled away. Looking to her father.**

**His eyes were open just enough for the light to highlight them, just black against the yellow-white. His teeth showed as he smiled.**

**"Don't cry, Sunshine."**

**He whispered, and reaching out a shaking hand.**

**She exhaled a laugh and moved back from Max, wiping a finger beneath her eyes, rubbing a hand at her nose.**

**"Sunshine?"**

**Max asked quietly, letting his hand linger at her back.**

**She glanced to him, but her father answered with a crackling chuckle.**

**"Her smile! Don't you see it?"**

**He asked, and his laugh gave way to a hoarse wheeze of a cough.**

**Max rubbed his thumb against her spine.**

**"Oh...I see it."**

**He smiled, letting his hand drop as she moved away from him, back towards the bed, to her fathers side.**

**"Don't I get a hug?!"**

**He asked, reaching out to her, and she folded herself into him, clutching the hard angles of him and holding him so tightly against her that she was afraid she might never let go.**

**Eventually he eased her away, cupped her face between his hands and just looked at her for a moment before he turned his gaze to Max.**

**"And you young man!"**

**He ordered, summoning Max over to him with a wicked quirk of a smile and outstretched arms. **

**Max hesitated, looking slightly taken aback. He looked to Zoe who widened her eyes at him and gestured with a nod of her head in her fathers direction. **

**"Right...yes."**

**He murmured, taking his hands from his pockets and making his way over, leaning down awkwardly and exhaling suddenly, surprised by the strength of the man in the bed as he took hold of him and hugged him tightly.**

**"You look after her. Yes?"**

**He whispered, patting Max's back and releasing him as quickly as he had embraced him. Max took a step back and looked to Zoe who was blinking back fresh tears.**

**"And that grand daughter of mine too!"**

**He waved an arm, he never had been able to remember her name...**

**"I will."**

**He gave a nod of his head in affirmation. Her father smiled, looking pleased with himself.**

**"Now go. Dinner's soon and I want to get my snooze in first."**

**He flapped a hand in their direction, but his eyes sparkled with happiness. **

**Zoe moved back over to him and bent down, placing a soft kiss upon his forehead.**

**"I love you."**

**She murmured against his wrinkled skin.**

**He cupped her face again with his hands as she moved.**

**"And I love you."**

**He whispered.**

**"Now, go."**

**He said. And they left.**

****More soon . Comments greatly appreciated as always :) We'll find out more about what Connie was up to in the next chapter...xxx****


	6. Chapter 6

**"Who made up the fucking rule that you can't smoke in a hospital?"**  
**Zoe rubbed her fingers against the skin between her eyebrows, her back resting against the wall of the corridor. **  
**"You don't smoke."**  
**Max said, nudging her, reaching for her hand, taking it within his own and kissing her fingers.**  
**"It's moments like these that make it so tempting to start again..."**  
**She sighed, puffing out a breath that seemed to stay in the air between them as a muted silence before Max gave a sigh of his own.**  
**"Do you want me to walk you to the office?"**  
**He asked after a pause. **  
**"I'm supposed to be going up to theatre to collect a vicar from surgery. But he can wait, they're forgiving, right?"**  
**He noticed the glazed look that phased Zoe's eyes and nudged her again with his elbow.**  
**"Hmm?"**  
**She asked, her mind re-focusing on him.**  
**"Vicars."**  
**He said. She frowned.**  
**"I said, I'm supposed to be collecting a vicar from theatre but I've got just enough time to escort my lovely...but vacant, wife to her office?"**  
**He cocked his elbow as he spoke, waiting for her to slip her hand through.**  
**"Sorry..."**  
**She murmured, taking his arm and leaning her head briefly against his shoulder as they walked.**  
**"I've just got so much..."**  
**She waved a hand haphazardly about her head to demonstrate her mental state.**  
**"I know."**  
**He whispered, and placed a quick kiss on the top of her head before she moved.**  
**"Come on."**  
**They walked along the corridor to the office that stood next door to Connie's. Her blinds were still drawn closed and Max tossed her a knowing glance as they stopped outside.**  
**"I'll go and get him from upstairs."**  
**He raised a hand and stroked the hair that framed her face with his fingers, those patient fingers that always seemed to touch her at the right moment, to catch her before she crumbled...**  
**"You ok?"**  
**He asked as she opened the office door. She nodded.**  
**"I'm fine. I'll meet you on the ward in a minute after I've collected the notes."**  
**She looped a finger through the belt loop of his jeans before he had a chance to move away.**  
**"Thank you for coming with me."**  
**She said quietly. He smiled and shook his head ever so slightly.**  
**"I'll do anything for you. You know that."**  
**He whispered.**  
**She let go of his waist and smiled as he leant in to kiss her briefly on the lips. She felt her cheeks flush. He still held that intoxicating power over her, the simple fact of his existence still excited her, made her stomach flutter and her face hot.**  
**"See you in a minute."**  
**She said quietly, watching him walk backwards away from her. **  
**As he disappeared around the corner, his hand visible for a moment longer, waving, she moved back into the office and closed the door. She could see the dim light from inside Connie's office showing vaguely through the thin slatted blinds behind the windows that separated the two of them.**  
**She took off her jacket and hung it on the back of her chair, thumbed through a pile of envelopes set by her laptop and picked up the Vicar's patient notes. **  
**Revered Peter Allan. She ran a thumb over his name and thought how it must feel to be here, as a patient, knowing that you may never leave. How horrendous she thought, to feel as though you were trapped, locked in. But how much worse, she realised, it would be to be locked out.**  
**A movement behind her distracted her and she turned to see the blinds had been knocked, just a hint of a gap between a slightly bent slat where the light pooled in and glowed a lemon yellow against the work top on Zoe's side.**  
**Curiosity led her to it, she heard the door to Connie's office open and close. She paused, listening for the sound of Connie's heels but heard nothing. She bent herself over the counter and positioned her eye to the glass so that she could see through into the room beyond the window.**  
**She saw Connie, half-leaning, half-sitting against her desk, her hands pressed against the wood, her head bowed so that her hair shielded her face. She was statue still, even the rise and fall of breath in her chest was invisible.**  
**After a moment she looked up and Zoe flinched back instinctively, before realising she wouldn't be seen from such a distance through such a small sliver of a crack.**  
**Connie ran her fingers through her hair repeatedly until she was happy with it, then she deftly twisted it into a knot at the back of her head and clipped it up with a clip that she found on the desk. Then she stood, with all the weight in the world seeming to want to pin her back down to that table. She stood and smoothed her skirt down, and Zoe noticed that her shirt was undone. Beneath her skin was visible, her stomach flat and smooth, vaguely freckled. **  
**She let the shirt flap open as she pushed her feet slowly back into her heels. Her chest was flushed a hot pink that crept up across her neck and stood in stark comparison to the white lace bra that she glimpsed between the gaping shirt that Connie now began to button up. Her fingers moved slowly as if she were tired. She left the top three buttons open and ran the side of her index finger beneath each eye before she stood, visibly cleared her throat and moved out of sight to the door.**  
**Zoe heard the click of it, and the soft thud of it closing followed by the sharp sound of her shoes, they paused, the swivel of the sole of her shoe as she turned to lock the door, the movement of her, and the pause again and the shadow of her loomed at Zoe's own door and the thin metal handle turned down slowly.**

****Huge apologies in the long wait between updates. We had a flood which got into all of our electrics, so no electricity for however many days and a lot of tidying up! We are all sorted now though so I shall get back on track with these stories x****  
****Molly... no, Max isn't gone for good. He will reappear. Not just yet though. This will be another long story like my first one so you will just have to wait and see as to what capacity he reappears in! ;) xxx****


	7. Chapter 7

**"Ah, you are here."**  
**Connie said, closing the door behind her as she entered. Her cheeks were still flushed and her hair not as elegantly tied back as it usually was.**  
**"I am."**  
**Zoe smiled, though her eyes narrowed slightly, for several weeks now Connie had been 'entertaining' in her office. A behaviour that seemed so totally out of character for someone so driven by the 'rules'...**  
**"You haven't heard anything...have you? About..."**  
**She tailed off and glanced behind herself to check that she had closed the door.**  
**"A birthday party?"**  
**She asked, her voice low.**  
**Zoe raised her eyes, whatever she had been expecting Connie to ask in such a dramatic manner, it hadn't been that.**  
**"A birthday party?"**  
**Zoe repeated, arcing an eyebrow. Connie smiled and waved a hand, she seemed uncharacteristically flustered.**  
**"Don't worry..."**  
**She pursed her lips.**  
**"I'm probably just being paranoid."**  
**She added, as if that would explain her suddenly odd behaviour.**  
**"Right."**  
**Zoe said, frowning, watching as Connie made to leave again.**  
**"Hang on."**  
**She called before Connie opened the door. She turned back, her lips parted.**  
**She wanted to ask what had happened earlier. Had they seen correctly and Connie was having some sort of clandestine affair with not one, but two women in her office, whilst she was supposed to be working?**  
**She bit her lip and drew in a breath.**  
**"Can I ask you for a second opinion on the vicar?"**  
**She asked instead, mentally berating herself for not having the guts to ask out right what she had been wondering for days on end.**  
**"Let me have his notes and I'll meet you down there."**  
**Connie said, reaching out for, and taking the notes that Zoe offered her, her lips tight, her jaw flexed, and somehow Zoe knew that that hadn't been the first thing on her mind.**  
**Connie left without another word, and Zoe followed her out, locking the door, as Connie had her own, and made her way to the ward.** **She noticed Max before anyone else as she passed through the double doors, the cubicles splayed out before her, the smell of disinfectant and cleaning fluid masking the ever present smell of death and ill people.**  
**He caught her eye and winked, nodding his head, gesturing to the cubicle he stood next to. She made her way over to him and to the man who lay in the bed.**  
**"Here she is, as promised! Holby's foxiest doctor..."**  
**He murmured, just loudly enough for everyone near by to hear. Zoe tilted her head to one side, her lips pressed into a masked smile and her hair fell about her face so that she had to push it back behind her ear.**  
**"Max..."**  
**She whispered, letting her eyes linger on him for a moment before she turned to the man in the bed.**  
**"Hell, I'm Dr Hanna."**  
**She held out a hand to the little old man that lay, shrivelled beneath the folds of bedding.**  
**"Don't listen to him."**  
**She added, looking in the direction of Max. The vicar smiled as he shook her hand, his skin frail and thin beneath her own.**  
**"Oh, but he's right!"**  
**He smiled again and turned to face her, he still wore his dog collar, though it was smudged with a hint of blood.**  
**Zoe rolled her eyes.**  
**"I'm just going to check your blood pressure."**  
**She said, ignoring his comments, and the presence of Max so near to her, where he stood, leaning against the wheel chair that he had bought the vicar down in, his chin in his hand, his elbow on the back of the chair, watching her, a smile spread evenly across his lips.**  
**"So, how long have you been a vicar for?"**  
**She asked, finding her conversation skills lacking somewhat under the close scrutiny of her husband. **  
**"Oh..."**  
**The little old man in the bed looked thoughtful for a moment whilst she strapped the blood pressure monitor about his arm and set it to expand.**  
**"Fifty years or so."**  
**He said with a shrug of his shoulders.**  
**"****_fifty years?!" _**  
**Max exclaimed, his eyes wide and he stood up.**  
**"What made you decide to do it?"**  
**He asked, suddenly interested in the man before him. **  
**The vicar shrugged again.**  
**"When you read a book as a child, it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does. In my case that book was the Bible."**  
**He said simply.**  
**"I just knew what I had to do, so I did it."**  
**He added, and looked to Zoe who busied herself with the unstrapping of his arm.**  
**"Wow..."**  
**Max whispered, seeming genuinely impressed and the vicar chuckled.**  
**"I've spent most of my time here today trying to think of the theme of my next** homily."  
He said, and as Zoe began checking his wounds she caught Max's frown, he was genuinely listening.  
"After all of this I feel that I should want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? His divinity. But I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His *kindness*, His *tolerance*... Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around... measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create... and who we include..."  
His eyes had glazed over as he spoke and he began to raise his voice as though he were giving his sermon then and there.  
Zoe placed a hand upon his forearm, just gently, but the pressure was enough to bring him out of his trance.  
"Sorry."  
He smiled, and laughed slightly.  
"I get a bit carried away! It's just I haven't got long before Lent...and I have to write something that people will remember, something to help us through the fast."  
He said, frowning.

**"You think fasting helps you think about God? Anyone who can cook will tell you that fasting just makes yo u think about food."**

**Connie's sudden appearance from behind them made Zoe jump, she hadn't heard the usual tell tale clack of her Louis Boutins, and when she looked down she realised why, Connie had replaced her red soled killer heels with a pair of soft leather flat soled pumps. **

**"Connie..."**

**Zoe frowned, and Connie passed her the notes.**

**"He's free to go."**

**She said simply, and disappeared as silently as she had arrived.**

**"Is it me or has she just got a lot shorter?"**

**Max asked, watching her go.**

**Zoe cleared her throat ,bringing his attention back to the patient at hand.**

**He raised a hand to the back of his head and rubbed his neck.**

**"Anyway..."**

**He began, and looked to Zoe who raised her eyebrows expectantly at him.**

**"I couldn't do it, what you do..."**

**He looked to the vicar who smiled his frail white smile again.**

**"stand up in front of all of those people...read from the Bible...change people's lives, give people hope..."**

**The vicar laughed a surprisingly loud laugh for his small frame and Zoe looked momentarily alarmed.**

**"A lot of younger vicars these days freeze up under the pressure. You know...it's got a name...what is it?"**

**He peered at Zoe as though searching her face for the answer.**

**"Performance anxiety! That's It isn't it?"**

**He asked, turning his gaze to Max.**

**"Never heard of it..."**

**Max said quickly, and looked to Zoe who suppressed an amused smile.**

**"OK!"**

**She announced, changing the subject.**

**"You're perfectly fine to go home now, but I'd feel better knowing that there was someone that you could stay with, or that could stay with you? A friend perhaps?"**

**She asked, and the vicar looked down at his hands.**

**"Oh...I shouldn't think I've got any left now! I've lost them gradually, over the years you see...some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street."**

**He looked up, laughter still within his eyes.**

**"But I'll find someone."**

**He said.**

**"There's always someone."**

****More soon...Any guesses as to what is going to happen in the long run? ;) xxx****


	8. Chapter 8

****Before I start, I just want to clear something up! No – Max isn't going to get a job as a vicar ;)!****  
****-*-****  
**"It the vicar!"**  
**Max's voice was muffled, his body face down on the bed, head pushed firmly into the pillow.**  
**Zoe lay on her side beneath the duvet, head propped up on one arm, just looking at him.**  
**"He's cursed me..."**  
**Max spoke again and Zoe rolled her eyes.**  
**"Max, the vicar hasn't cursed you."**  
**She said slowly, as though talking to an infant.**  
**"It happens to everyone at some point...every man..."**  
**She tailed off and rolled over onto his back with more vigour than was necessary. He hugged the duvet against his chest and looked up to the ceiling, open mouthed, sighing.**  
**"By 'some point', do you actually mean, 'by a certain ****_age'?"_**  
**He asked, raising an eyebrow.**  
**She smiled and reached out a hand to stroke the hair from his forehead.**  
**"Well..."**  
**"So not only have I just suffered the greatest humiliation known to man, but now you're bringing my old age into it too?!"**  
**He asked and glared hard at the ceiling, though behind the glare she could see the tell tale glint of amusement, and eventually he turned to face her, letting his head fall against the pillow that they were sharing.**  
**"I'm sorry I couldn't...Y'know..."**  
**He glanced down the length of his body and she smiled again and draped her arm across his chest.**  
**"Don't apologise."**  
**She whispered, and bent her head to kiss his bare shoulder.**  
**"I'm sure next time you'll be able to rise to the occasion."**  
**She murmured, her lips brushing the warm skin that she had just kissed.**  
**She heard him groan, and when she glanced up his head was rolled back, his neck stretched.**  
**"Fuck, I feel like such an old man."**  
**He sighed, exhaling out into the air above them, and raising a hand to cover his eyes.**  
**"You'll always be younger than me."**  
**Zoe whispered, and he parted his fingers so that he could look at her.**  
**"This is true."**  
**He said quietly, thoughtfully...**  
**He let his hand fall back down to the bed and rolled over onto his side so that he could see her properly.**  
**"But you'll always be beautiful."**  
**He whispered, and touched a finger to her lips, which she kissed with the lightest of kisses.**  
**"You know I want to, don't you?"**  
**He added quietly, and she nodded, smiling again, before she paused, hearing the soft padding of feet along the landing, and the quiet squeak of the door as Tabitha pushed it open, her little body haloed in the light from the hallway.**  
**"Can I come in with you?"**  
**She whispered into the darkness, her hair glowing a chocolate blaze about her head, fuzzy with sleep.**  
**"Of course you can!"**  
**Zoe called quietly, and she saw the flicker of a smile about Tabitha's lips, and heard her feet sprint across the floor, as she always did at speed, afraid of what might spring from under the bed if she moved slowly. **  
**The mattress creaked and the duvet expelled a puff of air as she pounced onto it, and as Zoe made to lift up the duvet between them so that she could crawl in, Tabitha lunged towards Max, arms outstretched, her little knees embedding themselves hard into his groin.**  
**"Fuck! Shi-it...bugger" **  
**He crumpled beneath the duvet and Tabitha rolled from him into her mothers arms.**  
**"Daddy!"**  
**She exclaimed, more out of disapproval than of worry.** **"Max..."**  
**Zoe reached out to him in the dark, watching as he reappeared back from under the duvet, his hair static, his face winced in pain.**  
**"Sorry! I'm just in agony, don't mind me."**  
**He rolled over as he spoke, and exhaled slowly. **  
**"Are you ok, Daddy?"**  
**Tabitha asked, her voice small in the dark room, only the landing light a distant glow.**  
**He swallowed and slowly began to uncurl.**  
**"I'm ok sweetheart."**  
**He whispered, and reached for her, stroking her hair.**  
**"Just don't expect any siblings"**  
**He added, and retracted his hand, slipping it beneath the covers.**  
**"What's a sibling?"**  
**Tabitha asked, turning he face in against Zoe's chest, her nose cold.**  
**"Shh, nothing."**  
**Zoe murmured, hugging her close against herself, warming her, whilst she watched Max, his movements only just visible in the pale light, his hand reaching down, she watched it, checking that everything was still in working order.**  
**She saw the movements falter, repeat, then pause, heard his breathing change, and then his hand retratced quickly. **  
**She peered at him, his expression only just visible, an odd twisted expression that for some unknown reason, made her feel sick to her stomach.**  
****More soon. Apologies for the delay, lots of colds and poorly children etc! xxx****  



	9. Chapter 9

**Zoe sat before her laptop, the screen had clicked back to the screen saver – just a black screen with a moving symbol that crossed back and forth.**  
**She tapped a finger repetitively against the desk and shifted in her seat.**  
**She glanced up at the clock. Only ten minutes had passed, she had yet to even open her email...**  
**She looked over at the dividing window, Connie stood on the other side, in the middle of her office, the phone to her ear. She pointed at Zoe from where she stood.**  
**"Ok?"**  
**She mouthed, and Zoe rolled her eyes, smiled and nodded. **  
**Connie frowned, and raised her hand again. She curled her finger gesturing for Zoe to come to her office. **  
**Zoe watched her speak on the phone, her mouth moving quickly. She gestured to the laptop, hoping this would deter her, but Connie merely raised an eyebrow in disbelief and once again summoned her before turning her back on her.**  
**Zoe exhaled. She stood up, pushing her chair back with a hard grate of the feet.**  
**She made her way out of her office and into Connie's, the room the mirror image of her own – except for one thing – Connie's office was immaculate. No coffee stained rings on the desk top, no dust lingering on the surface of the laptop, or half drunk cups lining the side board.**  
**Connie turned to her, still holding the phone to her ear.**  
**"I'm on hold."**  
**She said quietly, and Zoe nodded, unsure of why she was there.**  
**"What's wrong?"**  
**Connie asked, and Zoe looked up, mildly surprised at the concern.**  
**"Oh...nothing..."**  
**She exhaled as she spoke, her voice breathy and she let her arms clap against her thighs.**  
**Connie raised her trademark eyebrow.**  
**"Yes, I can hold...again..."**  
**She said quickly as whoever was on the phone broke the hold music to say something.**  
**"What is it?"**  
**Connie asked again and paced her way to the desk where she leant back, just sitting on the very edge of it.**  
**Zoe pushed her fingers into the skin between her eyes, pushing against the bridge of her nose.**  
**"It's just...It's...It really is nothing..."**  
**Zoe tried again to brush it off, to pretend there was nothing wrong, when all morning she knew Connie had been watching her, wondering...**  
**"Zoe..."**  
**Connie urged, glancing quickly at the phone in her hand to check that it was still connected.**  
**Zoe leant back heavily against the door.**  
**"It's Max...we haven't..."**  
**She tailed off.**  
**"Haven't...?"**  
**Connie prompted.**  
**"Do you want me to guess?"**  
**She asked when Zoe struggled to find the words.**  
**"We haven't..."**  
**She gestured with her hand, hoping Connie would fill in the gaps herself.**  
**"How long for?"**  
**Connie asked, and Zoe puffed out a breath.**  
**"Two weeks?"**  
**She said, rounding down.**  
**"Two weeks?! I thought that was what happened when two people got married? I wouldn't have noticed two weeks when I was married to Michael..."**  
**She mused, and checked the phone again.**  
**Zoe watched her, it was the first time she had heard her mention her ex-husband.**  
**"We've always had quite a healthy..."**  
**She paused, and Connie rolled her hazel eyes.**  
**"You can say it, Zoe, I do know what we're talking about."**  
**She said, though she smiled as she spoke.**  
**"...we've always had a healthy sex life..."**  
**Zoe said quietly.**  
**"Until now."**  
**She added.**  
**"So, what's changed?"**  
**Connie asked, folding her free arm about her waist.**  
**"Nothing! That I'm aware of...he just can't seem to..."**  
**"Get it up?"**  
**Connie asked, finishing her sentence for her, and Zoe nodded.**  
**"So you're sexually frustrated?"**  
**Connie asked, and her directness caught Zoe off guard. She opened her mouth to speak but Connie cut her off.**  
**"You know I'd help you if I could, but I lack the necessary equipment."**  
**She said quickly.**  
**"What?!"**  
**Zoe asked, unsure she had heard correctly.**  
**Connie gestured to the phone.**  
**"Oh..."**  
**Zoe listened as Connie arranged whatever it was that she was arranging, and eventually hung up.**  
**"Sorry."**  
**She murmured, placing the phone back on the hook and turning to face Connie, placing her hands either side of her on the desk.**  
**"So, is he going to see someone about it?"**  
**She asked, and Zoe pulled a face.**  
**"I doubt it."**  
**She said, and there was a knock at the door.**  
**"Come."**  
**Connie raised her voice to whomever was on the other side of the door.**  
**"Sorry, that's my lunch. If you want to come back in about an hour, I'll let you know what I think you should do."**  
**Connie said, and the door opened. **  
**"I could always join you?"**  
**Zoe asked, interested to know what Connie would do, willing to try anything to get rid of this niggling doubt at the back of her mind that the reason behind all of this might actually be her...**  
**Connie paused and glanced to the man that entered.**  
**"Uh..."**  
**Connie began, and Zoe glanced to the man behind her.**  
**"It's not that sort of lunch."**  
**She said quietly.**  
****More tonight! xxx****


	10. Chapter 10

**Zoe made her way to reception. Surely Max would be available to share lunch with her even though Connie was otherwise engaged.**

**She stopped once she reached the reception desk, porters milled about wheeling patients to various places. Both Louise and Noel were busy. She stood, twisting her wedding ring. **

**No sign.**

**She pulled her phone from her jacket pocket and dialled his number, holding it up to her ear as it began to ring. She listened with her other ear, half expecting it to begin ringing somewhere nearby in the hospital.**

**Instead it continued to ring and eventually went to answer phone.**

**She glanced to reception.**

**"You haven't seen Max anywhere have you?"**

**She asked Louise as she placed the phone back on the hook. She shook her head.**

**"Not since this morning."**

**She said, and reached for a pen.**

**Zoe looked again to her phone screen, before pushing it back into her pocket. **

**She made her way to Max's porters cubby hole and pushed open the door, remembering, as she always did when she entered the little room, how many times in the distant past she had sneaked into that room to meet him.**

**The room was empty. There was a locker in the corner where he kept his things, the door hung open, the locker was empty of his coat, phone, wallet...**

**She frowned, he usually told her when he went off site.**

**She retrieved her phone again and pressed call, holding it to her ear.**

**Answer phone.**

**She glanced about the room for a sign, anything...there was a half drunk cup of tea on the coffee table, but when she touched her fingers to it, it felt cold. She sighed, and the knot that seemed to be forming so slowly began to twist within her stomach.**

**The door opened behind her and Tess popped her head in.**

**"Oh!"**

**She cast an eye about the small room.**

**"I was looking for Max."**

**She said and Zoe smiled slowly.**

**"Me too."**

**She murmured.**

**"He's not back yet?"**

**Tess asked, looking taken aback.**

**"Back from where?"**

**Zoe asked and Tess began to look even more confused.**

**"I saw him pop out about an hour and a half ago, I assumed he was taking his break."**

**She said.**

**"Was he wearing his coat?"**

**Zoe asked and Tess nodded.**

**"Right..."**

**She murmured.**

**"Well, I'm sorry I have no idea where he is."**

**She said and Tess tilted her head to one side, concern replacing her confusion.**

**"He didn't mention anything..."**

**She began, but Zoe shook her head.**

**"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."**

**Tess said as Zoe moved with her, leaving the porters 'office', closing the door firmly behind them.**

**"I'm sure you're right."**

**Zoe murmured, but her words did little to quell the violent sinking feeling that embedded itself in the pit of her stomach and sent bile rising to the back of her throat.**

**"Zoe!"**

**There was a shout from behind her and as she turned she saw Connie hastily making her way towards her, her cheeks flushed and her heels clattering loudly against the tiled flooring.**

**"Zoe."**

**She exhaled as she came to a halt before her, pressing a hand to her chest to steady her breathing.**

**"I've been looking for you."**

**She said, and swallowed, glanced to Tess.**

**"Is everything ok?"**

**Zoe asked, though she knew full well that something wasn't...**

**"I've just had a message from upstairs, I'm afraid your father has just passed away."**

**She placed a hand on Zoe's arm as she spoke, though she barely felt it, and she heard Tess say something though the words seemed muffled.**

**She swallowed.**

**"Zoe?"**

**Connie's grip on her tightened but she shook her off.**

**"Where's Max?"**

**She whispered...**

****More very soon! xxx****


	11. Chapter 11

**She looked down at him. He lay in the hospital bed, his body so small, his skin so flaccid about his face, his lines, his wrinkles seemed to have faded.**

**"He doesn't really look like him."**

**Zoe murmured, tilting her head and she reached out to touch her fathers fingers, they were cold and stiff and she withdrew her hand quickly.**

**"Are you ok?"**

**Zoe nodded, turned to Connie who stood beside her.**

**"I knew it was coming."**

**She said and drew up her shoulders, letting them fall as she exhaled.**

**Connie slipped an arm about her back, her fingers about her arm and Zoe felt her squeeze her gently.**

**"Thank you for coming with me."**

**Zoe whispered, and she looked back at her father, how still he was...**

**"You couldn't come alone."**

**Connie said simply, and Zoe nodded, turning ever so slightly. She could smell Connie's perfume, she's smelled it before, but now as she felt Connie's body against her own she had a feeling that whenever she smelled it again it would remind her of this day, this moment.**

**"Where do you think he is?"**

**Connie asked after a pause and Zoe drew up her shoulders into a shrug again.**

**"Wherever he is he obviously didn't want me to know about it."**

**She said and raised a hand to rub at her forehead. She felt Connie's fingers move against her, heard her sigh, and for a fleeting moment she wished that Connie would just hold her.**

**"I'm sure he..."**

**Connie began but she stopped upon hearing the door behind them open. She turned her head, though Zoe remained looking down at her father's hand.**

**She felt Connie's arm fall from her back and she stepped away, she heard Max's shoes squeak on the floor, his arm about her shoulders.**

**"Zoe..."**

**He whispered.**

**"Where were you?"**

**She asked, refusing to look at him.**

**He rested his chin against her head, she felt his stubble against her scalp, caught the scent of cigarette smoke on his breath.**

**"Tabitha forgot her PE kit."**

**He murmured, looking at the body on the bed laid out before them.**

**Zoe nodded slowly, she didn't have the energy nor the inclination to fight.**

**"I'm sorry."**

**He whispered, and kissed the side of her head, she leant against him and he wrapped his other arm about her, linking his fingers at her shoulder.**

**She heard Connie leave, heard the door click shut.**

**"I'm sorry I wasn't here."**

**He said and she shook her head.**

**"It's not your fault."**

**She whispered.**

**"Are you ok?"**

**He asked, and she nodded as she had done when Connie had asked, and she suspected she may be asked that question many more times before the days end.**

**"I don't think it's sunk in yet...that he's gone I mean. That he doesn't exist any more..."**

**She paused and he held her tighter.**

**"There'll never be another person like him."**

**She sighed as she spoke and turned her face into his chest, the smell of him always comforted her.**

**"My Mum once told me that people are like snowflakes, every one special and unique, and in the morning you have to shovel them off the driveway.****.."**

**He said, and although neither of them were quite sure why he had said it, it made her smile...he always made her smile, whatever the situation, and for that reason she turned and kissed the warm skin of his neck. She felt him smile against her hair.**

**Did it matter, then, he asked himself as her hair brushed against his lips. Did it matter that he must inevitably cease, completely, like Zoe's father. All this would go on without him...He drew in a breathe. Did he resent it? Or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely...**

**It is possible to die. He thought.**

**It is possible to die. **

****I hope this is ok...I hope it's not too cryptic...and above all I hope it makes sense as I've just written this with a cat pawing my legs, and my two children using my writing room as a hobby horse racing track...xxx****


	12. Chapter 12

"Do you think you could kill somebody out of work?"

Connie opened the door to the office without warning.

"What?!"

Zoe looked up, her head fuggy.

"Do you think you could kill somebody out of work?"

Connie repeated, placing her hands on her hips.

"What, kill an unemployed person?"

She asked, not following, and Connie raised an eyebrow and sighed through her nose.

"No..."

"Are you implying that I kill people while I'm at work?!"

Zoe asked suddenly, cutting her off.

"No!"

Connie exhaled again and folded her arms across her chest.

"Some imbecile just scratched my car..."

Connie stopped mid-sentence. Zoe looked so tired...

"Shouldn't you be at home?"

She asked, turning and closing the door behind her.

Zoe leant back in her chair, stretching her legs out beneath the desk.

"Why? So I can wonder what it is that my husband is up to behind my back there?"

She asked.

"There's far more things to keep my mind off things here..."

She added, and looked down at the stack of patients notes.

Connie followed her gaze, and for a moment she was quiet.

"Well...can't you ask him?"

She asked eventually and Zoe laughed a humourless laugh and let her head fall back, running a hand across her face. It was 11PM and she hadn't been home, hadn't seen Tabitha to tell her that her Grandfather had died...

"And risk being wrong? No..."

She collapsed back over the desk, head propped up by the palm of her hand and she looked up at Connie with large brown eyes, watching as the other woman pulled out the seat on the other side of the desk and sat down, mirroring her.

"**I'm not like you."**

**She added and Connie arced a perfectly manicured eyebrow and placed her hands neatly in her lap.**

**"Not like me?"**

**She asked and Zoe puffed out her cheeks, exhaling slowly, searching for the right words...words that wouldn't offend...**

**"****You do****n't just give up. You don't just let things happen. You make a stand! You say no! You have the guts to do what's needed, even when everyone else just runs away."**

**She sighed and she caught the twitch of a smile at Connie's lips.**

**"Maybe."**

**She said simply, and glanced down at her own hands.**

**"But you're much nicer."**

**She added and Zoe almost laughed out loud.**

**"Mmm."**

**She murmured.**

**"Here..."**

**Connie pushed a hand into her pocket, retrieved a small brown bottle filled and pushed it across the table.**

**"What's that?"**

**Zoe asked, taking it, unscrewing the lid and peering into it, three white tablets lay against the bottom of the jar, their powdery white residue leaving marks against the glass.**

**"Take them. They'll make you feel better."**

**Connie said, offering no explanation to what they were.**

**"Do I look like I need a pick-me-up?!"**

**Zoe asked, amused, making to screw the lid back on.**

**"Don't worry. They're legal."**

**She smiled as she spoke and Zoe hesitated, twisting the white plastic lid between her fingers.**

**"I haven't got anything to take them with."**

**She said after a moments pause and Connie smiled and stood up, and without a word she left the room, leaving the door ajar.**

**Zoe listened, she heard the door to Connie's office open and close, heard the sound of her cupboards opening on the other side of the wall as she did most days. She heard the scrape of something, the close of the door and then Connie reappeared in her own doorway.**

**She made her way back over to the desk, and placed a bottle of Jack Daniels on the table in front of her.**

**"There you go."**

**Connie said, placing her hands on her hips, and Zoe looked up at her, wide-eyed.**

**"Who do I look like, Judy Garland?!"**

**She asked, and watched as Connie unscrewed the cap.**

****More soon. I'm so sorry I've been so terrible at updating. I'm having trouble concentrating at the moment, and to top it all off one of my good friends is struggling with breast cancer. Hopefully normality will soon be resumed...xxx****


	13. Chapter 13

**Zoe crept through the dark, being careful not to stand on any discarded toys as she felt her way along the landing to the bedroom door. She twisted the handle, being careful to stop before it squeaked and she opened the door. **

**She listened. Beyond the room was silent, she could see the outline in the bare shadows of Max, asleep in the bed.**

**She tip toed over, she'd changed from her clothes in the bathroom and now she pulled her dressing gown tighter about herself, shivering as she crawled into bed, slowly pulling up the duvet and rolling onto her back.**

**"Where have you been?"**

**Max's voice made her jump and she felt her body stiffen. He rolled over to face her.**

**"Work."**

**She whispered, staring up at the black of the ceiling, she could just pick out the glint of the light bulb.**

**He was silent, she could just hear him breathing and for a moment she wondered if he had fallen back to sleep, but then, just as she had thought it, he rolled over to face her and she felt the warmth of his body against her own.**

**"Are you ok?"**

**He asked, though she could hear something else behind his words, irritation perhaps.**

**"Fine."**

**She murmured, and glanced to where she knew his face would be on the pillow next to her.**

**"I knew it was coming."**

**She added.**

**Where were you? She wanted to ask. Where were you when I needed you?! But she refrained...she knew his story wouldn't change.**

**Instead she let him slip his arm about her waist and he pressed his face into her hair, kissing her ear.**

**"I love you."**

**He whispered, and she rolled onto her side, her back to him, letting him curl himself around her, his lips against the back of her neck. She wondered briefly if he'd been with someone else, if he'd laid like this with someone else, but no sooner had the thought taken hold, she had pushed it away, refusing to tackle this until she had dealt with the loss of her father.**

**"I love you."**

**He whispered again, assuming she hadn't heard, and his breath made her hair flutter against her ear. **

**"I love you, too."**

**She said quietly, dipping her head so that her chin just tucked beneath the duvet, and she closed her eyes, allowing sleep to dull her thoughts.**

**The following day was dull and grey, thick clouds hung unmoving in the sky, pregnant and heavy with snow that begun to fall in brief flurries as Zoe set about making breakfast. **

**Tabitha sat at the breakfast bar, a book splayed out in front of her, her hair falling across her face as her eyes skimmed the pages.**

**"What're you reading?"**

**Max's voice asked, she heard him make his way into the kitchen. She turned, knife in hand, he ruffled his daughters hair and bent to kiss her head as she squirmed away from him, desperately trying to hold the book open as she let out a squeal of laughter.**

**Zoe watched them, and the butter that she had been spreading began to slither down the length of the knife towards her hand.**

**Max looked up and flashed her a quick smile before making his way over to her.**

**"Are you going to put that down?"**

**He asked, standing before her. Without a word she placed it down on the counter and he wrapped his arms about her, kissing the side of her head.**

**"How're you feeling?"**

**He asked and she glanced quickly to Tabitha who was turning a page.**

**"I'm feeling..."**

**She glanced up at him, his face so close to hers. Still he made her feel so breathless, so in love.**

**"I'm feeling...strange. Where were you yesterday?"**

**She asked, speaking quickly before she had a chance to think better of it.**

**He paused, he saw his smile falter and a dimness graced his eyes, tainting the ever-present sparkle.**

**"I told you where I was."**

**He said quietly, keeping his voice low, all to aware of his daughter behind him.**

**"PE kit, yes I know..."**

**She drew In a breath.**

**"So why are you whispering...if it was just the PE kit?"**

**She asked, and again his lips twitched and he expelled a quick breath of air between them.**

**"Can we talk about this later...please?"**

**"So there's something to talk about?"**

**She asked quickly, feeling her skin prickle and Max glanced back at Tabitha who looked up at them, eyes wide, her hand paused holding a page mid-turn.**

**"What?"**

**She asked.**

**"What!?"**

****More soon. Apologies for the delay, the website went down. Looking forward to reading reviews and any comments/ideas :) xxx****


	14. Chapter 14

****Nobody panic! I've just had several messages telling me not to break Zoe and Max up, and asking whether or not Max is changing from what he was like in Absolute Beginners (if you don't want any spoilers look away now and skip straight to the story...)****

****_They'll be fine. ;)_****

****_No one's splitting up and once Max has sorted himself out he'll be back to his old, charming ways...there will be plenty of fluffy lovely bits, M-rated bits and (hopefully) amusing bits._****

****_Feel free to let me know which of the above you like the most and I'll do my best to oblige..._****

****And onto the story...****

**"This isn't exactly the 'later', that I had in mind..."**

**Max quickened his step to keep up with her.**

**"How do you walk so quickly in those heels?!"**

**He exclaimed, stopping abruptly as she came to the door to her office.**

**She turned to him, eyebrow raised, lips pursed.**

**"I'm busy later, you can explain yourself now."**

**She said, opening the door and leading the way into the little room. The door closed behind them and for a moment they both paused, a sweet, smoky aroma was coming from somewhere.**

**"What is that?!"**

**Max covered his nose and mouth with the back of his hand and screwed up his face. Zoe glanced about the office, she had no idea...**

**"Are you going to tell me what's going on, or do I have to guess?"**

**She asked, folding her arms, and he let his hand fall from his and pushed it into his pocket.**

**He paused before he answered, and she wondered what it was that needed so much though.**

**"A friend of mine from Uni is getting married."**

**He said flatly, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.**

**"And he's asked me to go away with him...on his stag do, which is this weekend. But of course I said no, what with everything going on, I couldn't leave you."**

**He frowned, she was giving nothing away.**

**"That still doesn't explain where you were yesterday."**

**She said coolly and he expelled a sigh and he scratched at the back of his head.**

**"Yesterday I went to get him a wedding present to send to them. I didn't want to tell you because then I'd have to tell you about the wedding...the stag do...I just, I didn't think it was important..."**

**He paused.**

**"I'm sorry."**

**He added quietly and she narrowed her eyes, debating whether or not to believe him. Usually she could tell when he was hiding something, he slipped up, gave away little tid bits of information without meaning to. But now he stood before her, his blue eyes so wide that she felt inclined to believe him.**

**She exhaled suddenly and pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes briefly and then looking over at him.**

**"I thought you were having an affair."**

**She said quietly and his brief burst of laughter put her all the more at ease.**

**He reached out a hand to her which she took, and he pulled her to him.**

**"I'm not having an affair."**

**He whispered into her hair as she pressed her face into the groove that her head fitted into so well - the little nook just beneath his chin and against his chest where, if she listened carefully, she could hear the beat of his heart beneath his clothes.**

**"Sorry."**

**She murmured against him and he kissed the soft dark hair on the very top of her head.**

**"Why're you sorry?"**

**He asked, his words muffled.**

**"For thinking that!"**

**She whispered and she felt him smile, his hands rubbed up and down the length of her back and he held her so tightly, yet so gently that she felt she could never move away.**

**"You're dad's just died. You're allowed to go a little bit mad."**

**He said softly, and she smiled slightly, breathing in the smell of him, relieved to smell him instead of the sweet, sickly smell that something had made in the small room.**

**"You can go, you know."**

**She whispered, pulling away from him just enough so that she could look up at him. He frowned slightly.**

**"To the stag do."**

**She said, and he glanced away to the window that separated Zoe's office from Connie's, behind the slatted blinds he could just about make out the flickered movements of Connie beyond.**

**"I don't want to leave you."**

**He said, with much more strength behind his words than she was expecting.**

**"I'll be fine. I've got Tabitha, we'll be fine."**

**She hugged him closer, slipping her cold fingers just beneath the hem of his t-shirt as she always did when her fingers were cold and he winced slightly, smiling again and pressing his forehead against her own.**

**"I'll think about it."**

**He said after a pause, and before she could say anything else on the matter he placed a slow, teasing kiss against her lips.**

****That better?! ;) More soon xxx****


	15. Chapter 15

**"Morning, Zoe."**

**Zoe glanced up as Connie joined the queue behind her. Honey stood behind the little desk pouring strong black coffee into a cardboard cup.**

**"Morning."**

**Zoe pushed her hair from her face and opened her purse.**

**"What're you having?"**

**She asked, giving the purse a quick shake to search for pound coins.**

**"Just a green tea, please."**

**She murmured and watched as Honey fished for a tea bag. **

**Their mornings had fallen into a routine. Whichever of them reached the shop first would buy the drinks. **

**"Thank you..."**

**Zoe paid for the drinks and handed Connie hers before taking her own and holding it to her chest. Both women moving off, out of the shop and walking together back to their offices.**

**Connie paused before the door.**

**"You look happier."**

**She noted and raised an eyebrow, opening the door to her office.**

**"Have things improved with Max?"**

**Connie asked, and Zoe exhaled. Connie so rarely instigated conversation, and now was the time that she chose to do so. She sighed and turned to Connie who took a sip of her coffee.**

**"Are you fishing for gossip?"**

**She asked, and Connie swallowed and shook her head, taken aback and mildly offended.**

**"No! Merely concerned."**

**She said and she opened her own door.**

**"Sorry..."**

**Zoe said quickly and reached out to place a hand on Connie's arm, her tea slopping against the sides of the cardboard cup – not quite over spilling.**

**"I'm sorry."**

**She repeated, and let go of her arm, her hand falling back down to her side.**

**Connie inhaled and stepped into her office, holding the door open.**

**"Come in."**

**She said, more of a command than an offer and Zoe obliged, stepping over the threshold into the office that mirrored her own.**

**"Would you like a drink?"**

**Connie asked, moving over to one of the cabinets beside the desk.**

**Zoe frowned slightly and gestured with her cup.**

**"I meant a proper one."**

**She said and she opened the cupboard and held up a bottle of gin. Zoe shook her head and she placed the bottle on the work surface and moved to place her own cup on the desk. A piece of paper lay on top of it and she crumpled it up between her fingers and tossed it into the bin.**

**"So, how was lunch yesterday?"**

**Zoe asked, and Connie glanced up.**

**"Hmm?"**

**She murmured, sitting down on the desk to face her.**

**"Lunch with the mystery man."**

**Zoe coaxed and the realisation dawned behind Connie's eyes. She smiled slightly, though there was no humour in it.**

**"I assume you and he..."**

**Zoe tapped the side of her nose and Connie raised a trade-mark eyebrow.**

**"Took cocaine together?"**

**She asked, noting the nose tap.**

**"No! no...did you?"**

**Zoe asked and Connie laughed slightly and gave a brief shake of her head.**

**"No."**

**She smiled, and Zoe glanced down at her coffee, the surface of it glinted and caught the glimmer of light from overhead.**

**"So why do you do it?"**

**She asked, taking a breath in as she spoke.**

**"Why do I have sex with people here? Because I don't particularly want them to know where I live."**

**Connie answered, taking Zoe rather by surprise. She hadn't expected such an honest answer so quickly. She had expected to have to work for it...**

**"But why have sex with them at all?"**

**She asked and she caught the twitch of Connie's lips, her tongue touching against her teeth.**

**"Come on Connie you've always been so professional.."**

**"I still am!"**

**She interrupted and Zoe widened her eyes.**

**"You can hardly call bunking off for a booty call professional."**

**She said quietly.**

**Connie sighed dramatically and reached for her tea, though she didn't drink it.**

**"You're married...you've got Max, Grace..."**

**"Tabitha."**

**Zoe corrected abruptly, catching Connie's mistake, unnerved by her confusion.**

**"You've got your family...you're happily ever after."**

**Connie murmured.**

**"What, so I wouldn't understand?"**

**Zoe asked and Connie gave a vague glance to the clock before looking back at her.**

**"Are you ok, Connie? Is there something going on...something you want to talk about?"**

**"I'm not having a mid life crisis if that's what you're implying."**

**Connie snapped and Zoe drew in a breath. She had expected her to draw up those renowned barriers sooner or later.**

**"You know that's not what I'm implying...like you said...I'm just concerned...I'm not going to tell anyone that you..."**

**She tried a different tact but Connie cut her off once again, her eyes narrowed.**

**"That I have sex with people I barely know because I'm lonely? And as for yesterday? He was the best thing to come across my desk in a long time."**

****More later (hopefully, assuming my children sleep) Soon the Zoe/Connie/Max relationships will become much more intertwined...and hopefully that will answer any questions as to why Connie keeps appearing ;) ****


	16. Chapter 16

**The weekend arrived with the first signs of spring. The snow was beginning to melt and left watery pools of grey ice from which the spears of bright green grass glinted, and the tips of daffodils and crocus bulbs began to push through the earth.**

**Zoe stood watching out of the kitchen window as she rinsed the cups and breakfast plates and waited whilst the kettle boiled.**

**Somebody's cat was making it's way across their garden, a large orange cat with yellow eyes and a white bib, it moved quickly, picking it's paws up high as though it distrusted the snow. She watched it stop briefly and sniff at the ground, his whispers speared forward, his ears swivelling back and forth and the very tip of his tail twitched and he looked up at her, staring at her, wide eyed. **

**As quickly as it had looked up it looked back down again and began scratching at the ground, turning up the slush and muddy blades of grass before he turned his back on her and squatted down to relieve himself, his tail curling and waving, splayed out behind him.**

**"You know that's an invasion of privacy."**

**Max whispered, his arms slipping about her waist, his lips pressed against her ear and she smiled and leant back against him as the kettle finished boiling.**

**"It's a cat."**

**She said quietly and she felt him shrug.**

**"Coffee?"**

**He asked, and he let go of her and made his way over to the kettle, in front of which she had placed two mugs.**

**"Please."**

**She murmured and drew open the drawer in front of her, handing him a teaspoon.**

**"Are you looking forward to your time away?"**

**She asked, pulling her dressing gown tighter and glancing down the hallway from the kitchen to where Tabitha sat on the floor in the sitting room playing with her dolls house.**

**"My whole two days...?"**

**He asked, glancing at her, and he smiled, though his lips were pale and he had dark smudges beneath his eyes.**

**"We haven't spent a night apart since we got married."**

**Zoe said, sitting down on the stool and resting her arms on the breakfast bar.**

**Max looked down at the drinks that he was making, stirring them slowly, thoughtfully.**

**Eventually he turned and came over with both mugs, placing one down in front of her, and holding the other against his chest as he stood on the opposite side of the breakfast bar, his waist pushed against it.**

**"I don't have to go."**

**He said, and raised his mug to his lips where he blew against it's surface, sending ripples across the hot coffee and a billow of steam rose into his face making him squint.**

**She shook her head and took a sip of her own.**

**"I'm just being silly."**

**She whispered.**

**"I'll miss you."**

**She added, and he smiled again.**

**"I'll miss you too. And I promise I will behave."**

**He set his drink down and leant over the counter to her, the mug between his hands, his thumbs pressed against it's rim.**

**He looked at her, his blue eyes blood shot and heavy, his hair needed a wash and his stubble was longer than usual.**

**"I know you will."**

**She murmured and reached out to touch the back of his hand.**

**"So where are you actually going?"**

**She asked and he drew himself upright again, and she caught the slight tense of his lips, the flex of his jaw...**

**"We're all meeting at his this afternoon, then out for a meal and to a bar on the high street, can't remember which one."**

**He took a sip of his coffee and winced as it scalded his tongue.**

**"And tomorrow we're going go-karting."**

**He said, and cleared his throat.**

**"Sounds fun."**

**She murmured and he smiled slightly.**

**"And then I'll come back home to you...good as new."**

**He whispered, and though she wondered briefly at his words, Tabitha's appearance made her forget to ask.**

****More soon xxx****


	17. Chapter 17

**Zoe stepped out into the milky winter sunshine, Tabitha at her side, her yellow wellies making satisfying slapping sounds against the slush and crunching against the melting snow.**

**"Where are we going?"**

**She asked, lifting one leg and hopping for several feet, hanging onto Zoe's arm so that the keys that she held jangled with every bunny-like hop.**

**"We are going to do whatever you want us to do!"**

**Zoe said decisively, feeling the muddy water that sprayed up from Tabitha's wellies spatter against her legs, seeping through her tights and dribbling down her calves.**

**Tabitha pointed to a sign, squealed in excitement and did a half pirouette whilst she dawdled along the edge of the pavement, Zoe tugging her closer as she wobbled briefly on the curb.**

**"Can we go bowling?"**

**She asked, pointing again to the sign and grasping Zoe's hands with both of her own now and skipping about next to her, her wide eyes...Max's eyes...looking up at her, her dark hair in two loose fraying plaits that billowed and bounced against the fleece of her brown coat.**

**"Just us?"**

**She asked dubiously, but Tabitha wasn't listening.**

**"And we could have pizza!"**

**She exclaimed, and Zoe couldn't help but smile despite the ever present ache she felt at the pit of her stomach.**

**"Ok..."**

**She murmured, not entirely convinced but willing to allow her daughter the freedom to choose, not trusting her own ability to make decisions anyway, her mind too focused on Max, what he was doing...who he was with...**

**She drew in a breath, she wouldn't think about him, she decided, though even as she decided she knew it was a battle she had already lost.**

**They crossed the road, veering off the path to the city centre, instead taking the path that led across a little patch of green on the edge of the car park that flanked the bowling alley, a long red and white sign hung above it's door, and from opposite they could smell the bitter sweet stench of petrol from the Tesco petrol station.**

**Tabitha bounced up the steps in two's, taking her time, bounding up three, taking two back, reminding Zoe vaguely of a scene from the Sound of Music, until eventually she reached the top and Zoe had to help her tug open the heavy glass door to the entrance.**

**Inside they were met by faint thumping music, the bang and rumble of bowling balls and the squeak of shoes on the glossy polished floor.**

**Zoe looked about for a free lane. It was the weekend, she cursed herself for not realising it would have been too busy for just herself and Tabitha to have found a lane.**

**She side stepped out of the entrance, allowing a group of smokers to leave, and Tabitha made her way over to the row of sweet and toy machines stacked together, each with a little silver handle at the front and a faded price sticker attached to the scratched plastic. Zoe watched her for a moment as her little fingers poked into the slots to check to see if anyone had left any money, and again she was reminded of just how much she reminded her of Max...**

**She drew in a breath and turned her attention back to the bowling alleys. On one side there were a row of six lanes, all in near – darkness with glow-in-the-dark moons and planets painted onto the walls and ceilings and the lanes and pins glowed a pale slime-green colour.**

**On the other side, behind the counter and shoe display was a long stretch of twelve or so lanes, all brightly lit and full of families. She scanned the groups of people, looking for a sign that they may be about to leave. **

**Instead she saw someone she recognised, three groups in on the left. The tall statuesque figure of a brunette. She'd know the stance anywhere.**

**"Tabby..."**

**She called, and Tabitha stopped turning the handle of a gob stopper machine to slink back over to her, slipping her little warm hand within Zoe's and allowing her to guide her passed the rows of shoes over to the bowling lanes.**

**"Have you found one?"**

**Tabitha asked, and Zoe stopped just behind the third lane.**

**"Connie?"**

**She spoke loudly over the crash of the man next to her throwing his ball.**

**Connie turned her head ever so slightly, not quite sure if she had heard her name called or not. She glanced to Tabitha first, and then to Zoe, and all of a sudden she smiled, realising who it was that stood before her.**

**She wove her way through the moulded plastic seats to them and leant over them, close to Zoe to speak over the noise. She smelled of Chanel and the soft fruity smell of freshly washed hair.**

**"What're you doing here?"**

**She asked loudly, her voice sounding oddly out of place.**

**"I told Tabitha she could choose what we did...whilst Max is away..."**

**Zoe answered slowly and Connie nodded as though she knew that the knot of worry and panic within Zoe was growing by the minute.**

**"We had the same idea."**

**Was all she said, and Zoe glanced to Grace who was busy lining herself up with a shining pink bowling ball.**

**"You're welcome to join?"**

**She asked after a pause, still she had that look about her, as if she knew something that Zoe would never say out loud.**

**"Are you sure?"**

**Zoe asked, feeling Tabitha fidget at her side, and Connie smiled that slow whisper of a smile again and nodded, and with one flourish of a hand she beckoned them over.**

****More very soon. I'll be updating regularly again now, we've just all been ill and so busy that it's been hard to keep up. Reviews greatly welcomed as always! xxx****


	18. Chapter 18

**"Like this..."**

**Zoe watched as Grace leant over Tabitha, all four of their hands on the large round orange bowling ball. Grace showed her how to push her fingers into the correct holes, and then, slowly she bought the ball back, and helped Tabitha to roll it down the lane where it bumped and rolled, skittering from side to side, bouncing off the bumpers.**

**Both girls laughed and Tabitha let out a squeal as the ball managed to knock over two pins, a third one wobbling precariously before steadying itself.**

**Zoe smiled at her daughters delight, and Grace turned, still laughing, and Zoe realised she couldn't remember the last time that she had seen her, in her head she was still the sour-faced little girl that trailed after her mother through the hospital wards. She was a teenager now, though Zoe couldn't quite work out how old she was – her hair was dark, though she'd cut it and it hung about her shoulders in a thick bob, and her eye, though dark, were bright and sparkling, and as she glanced quickly over, Zoe realised, though she was pretty, she wasn't quite as beautiful as her mother.**

**At that moment Grace signalled to Connie who was sipping a coffee, it was her turn. But Connie shook her head and raised a hand, signalling for them to continue with their practise and Tabitha raced to choose another ball.**

**"Do you often come here?"**

**Zoe asked, finding herself staring absently at Connie's lone stiletto that had fallen over at the foot of the chair and lay with the inside facing her. They took the same size shoe, she realised, and for a moment she wondered what it would be like to slip them on, to literally walk in the other woman's shoes, to experience her power, her confidence...**

**"Zoe?"**

**Connie raised her voice and Zoe realised that she had been speaking. She smiled an apology and looked over at her. Connie narrowed her eyes as she dipped her face to the steam that rose from her cup, and she took another sip before she spoke again.**

**"You asked me if I came here often."**

**She said at last.**

**"Sorry..."**

**Zoe murmured, glancing down to her own drink that she held between both hands, resting it against her knees. She watched the surface of it, smooth and brown, it must be cool enough to drink by now, but instead she set it to one side and reached into the pocket of her coat in search of her cigarettes.**

**"I think I'll just..."**

**She gestured with the packet and Connie arched an eyebrow.**

**"I thought you'd quit?"**

**She asked and Zoe drew up her shoulders in a sigh. This weekend required the extra help of cigarettes, and even though she didn't say this out loud she knew that Connie knew.**

**"I'll come with you."**  
**Connie said, glancing over to the bowling lane and without waiting for Zoe to reply she had gestured to Grace and had asked her to look after Tabitha. Grace nodded quickly and showed Tabitha the scores on the little screen next to their seats.**  
**Connie swung her hand bag up into the crook of her arm and followed Zoe through the plastic chairs towards the entrance.**  
**"You don't smoke."**  
**Zoe said quietly as they exited, the silence of the car park surprising her after the thump and rumble of the bowling alley.**  
**Connie drew in a breath and exhaled a cloud of white into the cold air.**  
**"I didn't come out here to smoke."**  
**She smiled, and watched as Zoe placed a cigarette between her lips and lowered her gaze to the lighter, flicking the end until the flame caught and holding it to the tip of the cigarette, breathing in, letting her eyes roll back, and exhaling through a smile.**  
**"Mmm?"**  
**She murmured, laughing as Connie shied away from the pale blue smoke that she exhaled.**  
**"I thought you might want to talk."**  
**She said.**  
**Zoe raised the hand that held the cigarette and rubbed her thumb nail across her forehead before taking another draw on it.**  
**"About what?"**  
**She asked, though she knew very well what about.**  
**Connie turned to look out across the car park, the afternoon was drawing to a close, the sky was growing dark and the lights of the garage opposite glowed orange in the near distance.**  
**"Max enjoying his stag weekend?"**  
**She asked pointedly, her eyes following the movements of a man who was busy filling up his car with petrol.**  
**"I haven't heard."**  
**Zoe whispered, though she hadn't meant to speak so quietly.**  
**"We were going to go back home, have a takeaway..."**  
**She narrowed her eyes again as she looked at Zoe in the half-dark.**  
**"You're welcome to join us?"**  
**Connie asked, folding her arms against the chill that was creeping through her jumper.**  
**Zoe flicked the ash from the end of the cigarette and watched it fall to the floor. She shook her head slightly.**  
**"We've got to get back, Max said he'd call..."**  
**She glanced up and Connie nodded slowly.**  
**"But you could come back to ours?"**  
**She asked, and she was surprised to find she was relieved when Connie accepted, grateful not to have to spend the evening alone, once Tabitha had gone to bed.**

****More soon, I promise it will all become clear within the next few chapters, and hopefully get more interesting? I feel like it's dragging a bit. Sorry for that, I should edit more :) xxx****


	19. Chapter 19

"So what are you going to do with yourself whilst he's away?"

Connie asked, taking a sip of her wine and leaning forward slightly, sitting on the sofa next to Zoe.

"I'm going to get fat."

Zoe said simply and licked her fingers free of the oil from the last slice of pizza.

Connie smiled slightly and folded one leg up onto the sofa so that she could turn comfortably to face the other woman, and from upstairs they heard the blare of the Tabitha's television, she was busy showing Grace her room.

"How did you do it? The day after you had Grace your stomach looked like you'd been to the gym for six months."

Zoe sighed and collapsed back against the sofa, taking a large gulp of wine. They were already onto their second bottle and both were feeling particularly light headed.

"You never saw my stomach."

Connie smiled and turned her glass between her fingers so that the wine swirled and lapped at the edges.

Zoe puffed out an exasperated breath and let her head fall to one side, looking over at Connie, suddenly inexplicably jealous of the woman sitting next to her.

"Maybe if I looked like you..."

"Don't."

Connie stopped her before she could continue and Zoe raised an eyebrow.

"Max isn't having an affair."

She whispered and Zoe felt her heart flutter within her chest, hearing her thoughts said by someone else, out loud made her feel suddenly very sick.

"If you're worried, why don't you just call him?"

She asked and Zoe shrugged dramatically.

"And ask him?"

She laughed.

Connie sipped her drink again, her eyes narrowed as though she was thinking.

"Who else is at the stag party?"

She asked slowly and Zoe pressed her glass against her lips.

"Just friends...his friends, I don't know?"

"Well, do you have any of their phone numbers?"

Connie asked and Zoe sucked in a breath, somewhere she had a phone book that she'd begun to write numbers in, though she'd got bored half way through and had left it unfinished.

"Probably..."

She sighed and Connie reached over and set down her glass on the coffee table.

"So, ring one of them. And ask for Max...say you've lost his number..."

Connie began but Zoe just laughed.

"It's either that or you just sit, worrying that he's not really where he says he is all weekend."

Connie said quietly, and with a groan Zoe hauled herself up and padded over to the chest of drawers in the corner, searching through the three top drawers and eventually coming across the black leather phone book. She flicked it open and handed Connie the book.

"And who is he?"

Connie asked, stretching so that she could prize her phone from the pocket of her trousers.

"Joseph, he's the best man."

Zoe said and Connie took the book from her and placed it on her lap, following the numbers with her eyes as she typed them into her phone and pressed call. Zoe watched her, startled that she was actually ringing, the nausea she had felt before growing, acid rising at the back of her mouth and her stomach fluttered so violently that she had to sit down.

"Hello?"

She spoke loudly and squinted, even from where Zoe sat she could hear noise in the background.

"Hello, is Max there?"

She pushed a finger into her other ear and hunched herself over, straining to hear.

"No, Max...Walker? MAX!"

She rolled her eyes and Zoe smiled nervously.

"Ok, do you know where he is?"

She asked and Zoe felt herself go numb.

"Ok, no, I'm not his wife, no...goodbye."

She hung up quickly though Joseph was still speaking on the other end of the phone, she reached out slowly and placed her phone face down on the table and drew in a breath.

"He's not there."

She said quietly and Zoe almost laughed. Instead she curled herself up into one corner of the sofa and just stared at it, the dull colour of it, the loose threads...

Without a word Connie flicked back through the phone book, settled on Max's name and picked her phone up again, dialling the number and holding it up to her ear, but almost immediately she got Max's answer phone message and she hung up.

"He said he'd ring me."

Zoe whispered, and she glanced to the clock. He was an hour and a half late, he'd said he would ring at 7.

She sighed and looked down at her hands, they were trembling, she felt so sick that she struggled to breath, and whatever thoughts she tried to think of to clear her mind just wound up back at him. She blinked, her eyes were blotted with un shed tears and her head was fuzzy with drink.

She felt the sofa give and the cushion next to her pressed down and Connie placed an arm about her shoulder, not once did she attempt to fob Zoe off with lines about how she was sure that it was all some horrible mistake...and for that she was grateful. She let herself lean into Connie, feeling the stiffness of her body, her fingers rubbing up and down against her upper arm, her head leaning against her own.

She struggled to suck in a breath and blinked quickly to hold back the tears. She breathed in again, she could smell the wine on Connie's lips and the warm heady smell of her perfume, she glanced up at her.

"Thank you."

She whispered, and Connie shook her head slightly, there was no need for thank you's.

Zoe attempted a smile but a large round tear spilled from her eye and rolled quickly down her cheek, dripping down and landing on Connie's thigh where it soaked into a small dark circle.

"Get drunk."

Connie smiled, her eyes laughing.

"Get drunk, I'll watch the children."

She repeated and Zoe laughed a quick silent laugh, looking at Connie, she'd never thought she would feel so relieved to have her here. She looked at her, her dark hair falling in gentle waves about her face, her freckles just visible through her make up, her eyes green and rimmed with a hazel brown, she was beautiful, and again Zoe felt that pang of jealousy.

"Thank you."

She whispered again and Connie smiled, her lips, Zoe realised, turned downwards when she smiled, she stared at them for just a moment too long, and before she had the chance to take another breath, to clear her head and think clearly she moved forwards, closed the gap between them and kissed Connie on the lips.

**More soon! No one panic too much! :) xxx**


	20. Chapter 20

Connie pulled away from her, and Zoe quickly looked down to her hands. Her heart hammered within in her ears, she could feel it throbbing and beating so quickly that she put a hand to her chest to try to calm it.

"Sorry...I didn't mean..."

She tailed off and Connie cleared her throat and pushed her fingers through her hair, leaning back and taking in a breath.

Zoe glanced up, her face warm and throbbing with embarrassment. Connie relaxed her face as Zoe looked at her.

"Don't worry."

She murmured, and stood up slowly as if she wasn't quite sure what to do with herself.

"I didn't mean to kiss you."

Zoe said quickly, looking up at Connie who exhaled and smiled slowly.

"It's fine..."

She paused.

"Perhaps you were drunk enough as it was."

She said quietly and with that she picked up the half-full wine glasses and took them into the kitchen, leaving Zoe sitting on the sofa, alone.

She looked across the room to the side board, on it, next to the television was a photo frame that Tabitha had decorated with pink glitter and gold stars, and in the frame was a picture from their wedding day. Max was looking down at her with such adoration, and she was flushed with happiness, just glancing up at him out of the corner of her eye. She remembered that moment, she'd never felt that happiness before, that sense of completion.

She glanced at Connie's phone, left on the table and she wondered briefly why she always lay it face down.

Connie made her way back into the room, a glass of water in one hand which she held out to Zoe who took it sheepishly and sipped at it. It was cold and it hurt the front of her head to drink it.

"I don't think you've got anything to worry about."

She said slowly and Zoe looked up mid-swallow.

Connie sat down next to her again, though Zoe noticed she sat in the opposite corner of the sofa.

"I've never seen anyone so in love with someone else as Max is with you."

She said quietly and Zoe frowned down into her glass, watching the water ripple and distort the shape of her leg through the domed bottom of the glass.

"He looks at you as though just the act of looking at you, being able to look at you, makes him happy. He adores you."

She paused and flicked the nail of her thumb with her index finger.

"I think whatever it is, even if it's something terrible...it's not going to be that he's fallen out of love with you."

"So what is it?!"

Zoe asked abruptly and she lay back against the sofa and stared up at the ceiling.

"I don't know. But the sooner you find out, the sooner you will stop worrying."

**Just a very quick update. Don't worry, Zoe kissing Connie was just a momentary lapse in judgement bought on by too much wine ;) And Max is back in the next update...xxx**


	21. Chapter 21

Sunday morning dawned and there had been no word from Max. The weekend had been a long tiring, awful stretch of time that had seemed endless, and even though she knew that Sunday was coming, she felt as though she couldn't be sure that it would bring any great relief. Perhaps he just wouldn't come back at all.

She stared down at her phone. She could hear Tabitha playing upstairs, had she noticed, she wondered, that though she'd played and ordered takeaways and watched films with her, she hadn't really been present.

She drew in a breath, her eyes loosing focus as she stared, unblinking at the screen, and almost as if she had willed it to happen, the screen flicked on and a number she didn't recognise began to ring. For a moment she just looked at it, and then, her stomach feeling low and heavy with nausea, she answered, holding it to her ear.

"Hello?"

A man's voice asked, she'd forgotten to say hello herself. She cleared her throat.

"Hello, who's speaking?"

She asked and there was a rustle of paper on the other end of the line.

"Dr Lehman, I'm calling with regard to your husband, I couldn't get through on his number."

He spoke quickly, as though he were in a rush.

"Ok...?"

Zoe said slowly and there was a brief pause before he spoke again.

"Is he there?"

He asked and Zoe drew in a breath.

"No..."

"Could you get him to give me a call on this number when he gets a chance?"

He asked and Zoe nodded and murmured that she would, and then with no goodbye or word of thanks he hung up and she was left staring at the phone once again.

Instinctively she clicked through the names in her phone book, finding 'C', and clicked to call Connie.

"Mmm?"

Connie answered with uncharacteristic vagueness.

"Are you busy?"

Zoe asked and she heard the close of a door and the click of a pen and Zoe assumed she must have been holding it in her mouth when she answered. She was at work, she realised.

"What's wrong?"

She asked, ignoring she was busy, Zoe knew she was busy, but she was making time for her.

"Do you know a Dr Lehman?"

She asked.

"I don't know his first name."

She added and in the distance she heard the judder of Connie's chair legs move and scrape against the floor.

"At St James'?"

She asked, and Zoe could imagine her there, alone in her office, sitting at her desk.

Zoe paused, she didn't know...

"There's a Dr. Lehman in the Oncology department at St James?"

Connie offered when Zoe remained silent.

"Oncology?"

Zoe whispered as though she wasn't quite sure that she had heard properly.

"Why do you ask?"

Connie's voice startled her and she closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefingers.

"He just called...for Max..."

She struggled to draw a breath and collapsed back against the sofa, wishing that Connie was still there.

For a moment Connie didn't say anything, and the phone line was silent between them.

"Give me twenty minutes and I'll be with you."

She said, and before Zoe could say otherwise the phone went dead. She sighed, and tossed it onto the sofa next to her, fed up of being hung up on.

She sat there, on the sofa, unmoving, just breathing in and out, watching the hands of the clock, refusing to let herself think.

And then, as the second had ticked past the twelve there was the scrape of a key in the lock and the front door opened. He stomach turned, her breath quickened and her eyes filled with tears so quickly that she had to wipe at them quickly with her hands to stop them from falling.

She heard him take off his shoes, heard the rustle of his coat being hung up on the hooks by the door...

"Zoe?"

He was in the door frame. She exhaled and looked down at her hands.

"Sorry I couldn't call... I didn't have signal..."

He moved slowly around the sofa so that he stood beside her, lowering himself down next to her and her breath caught in her chest as his arm touched against her.

"Zoe?"

He nudged her and she glanced up at him. He looked awful, and if she hadn't known better she would have believed that he had been at the stag party. His face was pale and grey, his lips dry and pinched and his eyes blood shot, his hair was ruffled and faintly greasy.

"Did you have a g...did you have a good time?"

She asked, sucking in a gulp of air half way through, without meaning to, struggling against the sting of tears.

He reached out with one hand and pushed the hair from her face, smoothing it behind her ears, smiling with his lips though he frowned with his eyes.

"What's the matter?"

He asked quietly and she pursed her lips and shook her head.

"I missed you."

He whispered, and he pulled her towards him so that her head rested in the crook of his neck. She could smell him, the smell that comforted him so much and she clenched her hands against him, balling up the fabric of his jumper between her fingers and holding on to him so tightly that she thought she might hurt him.

"How could you not tell me?"

She whispered, and the stroking of his hand against the back of her head slowed.

**More soon. My two year old bashed me in the eye with a toy horse half way through writing this so I've written it with one eye closed and streaming so apologies for any errors, I typed one paragraph with my eyes completely closed! xxx**


	22. Chapter 22

**"Come with me."**

**Max said quietly, his voice was strained and off and as he spoke he stood up.**

**"Where are we going?"**

**She asked as he took his hand.**

**"Just come with me."**

**He said and he walked with her through the house to the back door where she paused while he opened it and they stepped out into the cold, the air bitter, catching in their lungs and hurting the backs of their throats.**

**He wrapped his arms about her, holding her against him and whilst they both looked up at the night sky, staring into the stars, he whispered to her, his lips against her hair.**

**"I've got testicular cancer."**

**Was all he said, and she felt her throat throb and ache and again her eyes stung so that she had to close them.**

**"I'm ok though. They got it all...I have to have radiotherapy..."**

**He paused to clear his throat and she felt his adams apple bob against her forehead.**

**"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd worry. I didn't tell you before because I didn't want you to have that in your head as well...after your dad. I just wanted to be able to tell you that I'm ok, and I am."**

**"What did they do?"**

**She managed to croak through the lump in her throat.**

**"They removed it, the left one, and put in this little silicone ball...I feel like shit."**

**He laughed a strange half-laugh and nudged his nose against her to make her look up.**

**"I went about it all wrong, I know..."**

**Though she shook her head as he spoke. In a funny sort of way she understood why he'd done it, though she still felt the ball of rage tighten at her chest, but this time it was because of how unfair this all was...**

**"I kissed Connie."**

**She said suddenly, almost without meaning to and she felt him stiffen and he looked down at her, both eyebrows raised beneath his hair.**

**"What?!"**

**"I'm sorry..."**

**"Why on earth did you kiss Connie?!"**

**He asked, still holding her tightly. She drew up her shoulders.**

**"I don't really know...I didn't mean to, it didn't mean anything..."**

**She let her eyes close again, her head hurt...**

**"I don't know whether to be cross or wish I was there."**

**He admitted and she sighed.**

**"Max..."**

**He let her nestle her head back into his throat and he stared up into the sky, watching an aeroplane overhead.**

**"Are you going to run off with her?"**

**He asked, and she couldn't quite tell if he was joking or whether he was genuinely asking.**

**"No."**

**She shook her head.**

**"Good."**

**He said simply and she arced an eyebrow.**

**"Is that all?"**

**She asked, glancing up at him again.**

**"Well I assume you did it because you were lonely, worried about where I was and probably quite drunk. Am I close?"**

**He asked and she nodded, the tears threatening again.**

**"Well I'm back now. And I'm ok...ok? And I'm sorry..."**

**He kissed her gently on the mouth, he was warm and soft and she struggled not to cry against his kiss.**

**"Just promise me you'll rub my back while I vomit from the radiotherapy?"**

**He asked when he pulled away and with a faint laugh she nodded.**

**"I promise."**

****More soon! Thank you for all the lovely reviews! xxx****


	23. Chapter 23

**"Sit."**

**Max nodded in the direction of the sofa and Zoe dutifully sat, curling her legs up into the corner, watching him, the movement of him so slow and full of purpose, graceful even.**

**"Drink."**

**He said, and he sat down next to her and held out a mug of hot chocolate, the kind he always used to make, the thick creamy chocolate with a hint of chilli pepper and spices that rose and curled in the steam that rose in pale grey curlicues into the air about them. **

**She smiled a long slow smile, the warmth smothering her lips, the smell of it making her throat ache and her eyes prickle with tears yet to be shed, though she refused to cry.**

**The weight of his body made the sofa creak gently and then she felt the warmth of him against her and she let her head fall to one side, resting on his shoulder. **

**He smelled of warm soap and the ever so slight hint of sweat that made her stomach wince with affection.**

**"You ok?"**

**He asked quietly, being careful not to jog her hot chocolate as she arranged it into her lap. **

**She nodded slightly, not trusting herself to speak without her voice breaking.**

**He ran a finger around the rim of his own cup, not really wanting to drink it, still the vague nausea from the anaesthetic bubbling within the pit of his stomach.**

**"What are we going to tell Tabitha?"**

**She whispered eventually.**

**She felt him suck in a long slow breath and he rubbed his fingers against her knee, drawing lazy circles and curls against her bare skin.**

**"I don't think we have to tell her anything...do we? Just that Daddy isn't very well...?"**

**He asked and again she nodded, inhaling the heady scent of spices that rose from her mug that she had nestled against her, her body sucking the warmth from it, desperate to feel something other than the bitter cold that made her feel so light headed and sick with worry.**

**There was a pause, the air between them slack and lazy and the silence began to throb behind her eyes.**

**"Are you in pain?"**

**She asked eventually.**

**He shook his head.**

**"No, not really..."**

**He sighed again and she felt his shoulder rise and fall beneath her cheek, his bones shifting and moving with each tiny movement.**

**"Just an ache on the inside, and I have to be careful how I sit, for a while..."**

**He added and she nodded, realising that all of this, everything that had happened within the past few hours was going to take much longer to sink in than she had realised.**

**He nudged her gently and twisted so that he could look down at her. **

**"I love you."**

**He whispered, and she glanced up at him, the smooth curve of his top lip just in view.**

**"I love you too."**

**She murmured, and he pressed his lips against her forehead, nudging her again with the very tip of his nose and she let out a breath of air, a half smile playing at her lips and she let herself lean back in his arms, just enough so that she could face him and he bent down towards her, just touching his lips to hers, waiting for her to kiss him back.**

**"Connie!"**

**She stopped suddenly before she'd kissed him, hearing the crunch of tyres from outside. She'd forgotten that Connie had said that she would make her way over...**

**"I'm not sure this is going to work if you're going to shout 'Connie' every time I try to kiss you?"**

**He sighed, and she raised an eyebrow, waiting for the smile that eventually slipped across his lips and she listened for the tell tale clip of heels on the path before she stood up.**

**"She's just coming to check I'm ok..."**

**She began as Max stood up next to her, his body stiff and he winced slightly as he took a step forward, her face turning a pale shade of grey.**

**"Is she now..."**

**He murmured, and Zoe batted at him gently with the back of her hand.**

**"No lewd comments."**

**She warned, and the doorbell rang loudly in the hall.**

**"I wouldn't ****_dream _****of it!"**

**He hissed, and he followed her into the hall.**

****More soon! Apologies, we've got sickness, ear infections, bitten lips, tummy aches...the list is endless! But then there is always something to keep me from writing! I will harder...xxx****

****SuranneKeeleyBeauchamp... thank you for all three of your lovely comments! More Connie soon, and an update as requested! xxx****


	24. Chapter 24

**"Connie..."**

**Zoe opened the door and drew Connie into a hug, inhaling her perfume, somehow just the smell of it made her feel just a little bit less scared.**

**"How are you?"**

**Connie asked, looking at Max who stood behind his wife, his arms folded.**

**"Come in."**

**Zoe said, letting her arms fall from Connie before Max could respond. **

**In silence they made their way into the kitchen where Zoe set the kettle on to boil before she turned around and leant stiffly back against the counter, suddenly very aware of the fact that Max knew that they had kissed. She felt her cheeks flush and Connie folded her arms about her chest, averting her gaze as though she knew what she was thinking.**

**"So..."**

**"Testicular cancer."**

**Max cut Connie off, saving her from having to ask. Zoe held her breath, her lips buzzing, slowly turning numb, but Connie had little reaction, only a very slight nod of her head.**

**"Treatment?"**

**She asked after a pause and Zoe exhaled as the kettle came to a boil and she turned to pour the water, glancing at Max as she did so, seeing the relief in his eyes that Connie hadn't asked how he was feeling...**

**"Radiotherapy at St James'."**

**He said and again Connie nodded, though her thought process was masked by those steady hazel eyes that never gave anything away.**

**"When is your first session?"**

**She asked quietly, and Zoe set the kettle back on it's base and made her way to the fridge for the milk.**

**"I'm waiting for a letter..."**

**He began but Connie pulled a face, her eyebrows raising, her lips pursing.**

**"No, you need to begin as soon as possible. I will contact Dr Lehman tomorrow to arrange it."**

**"Connie..."**

**Zoe murmured her name, holding out her coffee to her.**

**"You don't need the worry of waiting on top of everything else."**

**Connie said matter of factly and she took the mug offered with a quiet 'thank you'.**

**Zoe made her way over to Max and held out his mug, her fingers burning against the rim before he took it by the handle and placed it on the breakfast bar in front of him.**

**"Thank you."**

**He said, his voice low and Zoe leant against him, her arm against his, just wanting to touch him, to know he was really there.**

**"I'll arrange cover for you both, for tomorrow, just let me know if you need any more time..."**

**"You don't have to do that..."**

**Zoe began but she let her words fade away as Max's fingers slipped over hers.**

**"Thank you."**

**He said again, stopping her, and as he squeezed her hand within his she could feel the tremble of his fingers against her own.**

**Connie raised her mug to her lips, blowing into the steam to cool it before tilting it towards her lips, sipping silently and swallowing.**

**"I won't stay."**

**She said, and she took another sip.**

**"I'm sure you have a lot to discuss."**

**She added, and Zoe glanced to Max. He looked so tired, so much older than he was and her heart ached so hard in her chest that she could feel the beat of it in her throat.**

**She looked away hurriedly, all of a sudden the events from the past few days seemed too much, her eyes blurred and when she blinked tears caught on her eyelashes and skittered across her cheeks. She looked down to her feet, only the smudgy black of her legs visible and she raised her hands, pressing the heels of them into her eye sockets, trying to regain some sort of composure.**

**From upstairs there came the thud of one, then two feet touching the floor and both Connie and Max raised their eyes to the ceiling, listening as Tabitha's feet padded across above them.**

**Zoe cleared her throat, running her fingers under her eyes, wiping away the mascara, her chin still trembling and Max touched his fingers to her hair, glancing up again at the sound of Tabitha's door opening.**

**"I can see to her, if you'd like?"**

**Connie asked, her gentle and kind, and she looked to Max who nodded after a moments pause and as she made her way passed them she pressed a hand against Zoe's arm.**

**"The worst is over."**

**She whispered, and she left to meet the patter of Grace's footsteps on the stairs.**

****More soon! Xxx****

****Thank you, as always, for the reviews. Much more to come, Max starts his treatment, Zoe and Connie go in search of some ancient Chinese remedies with bizarre side effects and Tabitha proves she's very much her father's daughter... ****


	25. Chapter 25

**Two weeks passed and Max had begun his radiotherapy. Tabitha spent each evening making a new 'Get Well Soon' card for him, though she hadn't thought to ask what was the matter with him. **

**Connie had covered Zoe's shifts, working doubly hard herself and Zoe had spent the week in some sort of a daze, as if her body was on autopilot and her brain was just tagging along.**

**It was Friday, Tabitha was at school and Zoe was sitting in the unfamiliar relatives room at St James, waiting for Max to finish the session. The radiotherapy was already making him feel nauseas, and he'd been struggling to stay awake, falling asleep early at night and struggling to get up in the mornings.**

**Zoe glanced at the little pile of magazines next to her, she'd flicked through a couple and found nothing to hold her interest. A little old lady sat dozing in a chair opposite her and a mother and child were sitting by the window, Zoe could hear the gentle murmur of the mothers voice as she read from a story book, the child curled up in her lap, thumb firmly between his lips.**

**She blew out a slow breath and leant back in her seat. She looked at the clock, watching the hands creep slowly, ticking away the minutes.**

**Her phone made a chirruping noise and the mother glanced over at her, eyebrows raised. Zoe cleared her throat, knowing full well that above her head was a sign informing everyone in the room to turn the mobile devices off. She slipped her phone from her pocket and held it in her lap, flicking the screen. A text message popped up – Connie.**

**"Everything OK?"**

**That was all it said, Connie's one or two word text messages were notorious, never anything other than exactly what needed be said, and never any kisses.**

**Zoe let her thumb hover above the screen, for two words it was a very loaded question, with various possible answers.**

**She sighed, she thought of Connie, she must be exhausted though still she thought to text her when she had a moment. She found herself wondering when Connie had changed, she'd mellowed over the years, and though she was still very much in charge she wasn't such a force to be reckoned with any more.**

**She thought about when Tabitha had been born, Connie had been there for the entire birth, all 38 hours of it from start to finish, monitoring Zoe's heartbeat, marking and underlining every irregularity of it on the scroll of paper that came from the heart monitor. She'd remained silent for the most part, allowing the midwives to do their jobs, and for Max to tend to Zoe, but her presence had made them both feel much more at ease.**

**Near the end Zoe had been exhausted, Tabitha's head was too large to pass easily and she'd begun to panic, and Connie had taken over. **

**She smiled as she remembered how Max had clutched tightly to her hand, and with his other hand he had stroked her hair, leaning against the bed, just whispering to her, murmuring words that calmed her whilst Connie somehow manoeuvred Tabitha into the correct position and with one final push she had slithered into Connie's arms.**

**From that moment she'd felt closer to Connie than she ever had done before, and Connie had seemed to take it upon herself to protect her and help her whenever she could from that moment onwards.**

**She drew in a long, thoughtful breath, her thumb still hovering over the screen.**

**"Fine. Just waiting x"**

**She wrote and clicked send before she could write any more, she didn't want to distract Connie from whatever it was she was doing.**

**She pressed the button on the side of the phone and turned it onto silent before pushing it back into the pocket of her coat and she leant forwards again, grasping her hands in front of her.**

**The door to the left of her opened and out of the corner of her eye she recognised Max's shoes as he entered, he paused in the door way and she looked up. He was pale, but he seemed to always be pale recently. **

**She smiled, and he reached out a hand for her as she stood up.**

**"Ok?"**

**She asked, and as she stood she noticed a nurse stood behind him.**

**"All done."**

**He confirmed and he slipped his hand into hers.**

**"That's it for today, Mr Walker..."**

**The nurse looked from Zoe to Max, she looked up at him with large brown eyes and Zoe couldn't help but notice that even through the layers of make up her cheeks flushed from just looking at him.**

**"We'll see you again tomorrow, though... And I should warn you. You'll feel fine for the next few hours but you'll hit a wall around noon. Nausea, pain, fatigue. They're all normal side effects. In fact, I would suggest that for the next few days, you just stay home. Take it easy. Don't go to work. Do you have somebody that can take care of you during the day?"******

**She spoke the spiel that each different nurse he had seen had said and he squeezed Zoe's hand.**

**"I have my very own doctor."**

**"Consultant."**

**Zoe corrected him without really meaning to, something about the pretty young nurse and her flushing cheeks made her want to pull rank.**

**A grin slipped across Max's lips, a flicker of his old self re-surfacing.**

**"My wife will ensure I am taken care of."**

**He said slowly, emphasising the word 'wife' and he pulled her closer with what little strength he had.**

**"Same time tomorrow then, Mr Walker."**

**The nurse said, her cheeks were turning darker by the second and Zoe felt irrationally irritated by her.**

**"Indeed...indeed."**

**He murmured, and with a slight nod of his head he guided Zoe along the corridor to the exit.**

****More soon, I hope it's still being enjoyed. Apologies for being so slow in updating. I will always get round to it eventually! I only have a couple of hours each evening to myself when the children go to sleep and I have to divide that between cooking, writing and my art! xxx****


	26. Chapter 26

Hello everyone, thank you for all the messages of concern. I am still here! I am still writing, and have several updates of each story ready and waiting. We have been without internet for some time now (the perks of living in the middle of nowhere!)

I'm so sorry for the huge delay, hopefully I will be back soon. We have yet another someone coming out to see if he can fix it on Thursday, so fingers crossed!

Thank you again for the messages, I hope you're all ok? xxx


	27. Chapter 27

**"You're sexy when you're jealous."**

**Max whispered as they made their way out of the radiotherapy unit and into the car park. **

**"I wasn't jealous!"**

**Zoe contradicted, nudging Max with her elbow as they stopped on the path, Zoe's eyes scanned the rows of cars, trying to remember where she had parked.**

**"Yeah, right...because you'd have made it quite clear to that nurse that you were my 'consultant wife', even if she had been 67, with a body odour problem and a face covered in warts?"**

**He paused.**

**"And one arm..."**

**"Alright!"**

**Zoe cut him off with a whisper.**

**He grinned, and Zoe feigned annoyance, folding her arms across her chest and ignoring him until he leaned against her and kissed her ear. **

**She smiled despite herself. The air was soft, as it often was in this lovely month, and even though they stood, surrounded by cars and the hospital, they stopped to inhale the sweetness in the air. For whatever reason, today Max found himself uplifted, caught up in something outside himself and his petty wants and needs. The clouds drifted like ice in a tumbler overhead and the glimmer of the river in the distance seemed made of light, there was the shimmer of it, and for a moment the world seemed whole to him.**

**He wrapped his arms around his wife, and he thought how this was the purest instant he had ever experienced; the way he felt inside right then. If he had to be trapped in a forever he would choose this very moment. Standing in the car park of St James' hospital. The bright sky, the few yellow leaves still clinging to the bare trees, the beautiful dark-eyed woman in his arms, the way she gazed at him, the way she made him feel...and he had the distinct impression that something was beginning and something was ending all at once. He had to believe that there were just so many days like this left to them.**

**"You'd better not die."**

**Her words came out before she had really meant to speak them. She felt Max stiffen slightly as he held her. **Sometimes words spoken are the ones you've been afraid to think, but once they're said aloud there's no way to make them disappear.

**"I'm not going to die."**

**He said simply, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.**

**"I told you all those years ago that I'd never hurt you."**

**He added, and he felt her take a breath in, filling her lungs with the air that smelled like bonfires. The whole world smelled as if it were gently smouldering away, turning to ash whilst the flickers of fire burned themselves out in the air around them. Was this a side effect of the radiotherapy he wondered, that everything smelled as though it were burning up?**

**"When all of this is over, I think we should do something."**

**Zoe murmured, her head against Max's chest, listening to the rhythm of his heart beneath his clothes.**

**"Something?"**

**He asked quietly, kissing the top of her head, and smiling at a passer by who stared at the two of them who stood so perfectly together in the cold, in the car park.**

**"What would you like to do?"**

**He added when Zoe remained silent.**

**She shrugged.**

**"I don't know...something. Anything! We could go away, we could go white water rafting..."**

**"I'm not going white water rafting..."**

**He cut her off and she glanced up, smiling. There was relief in her eyes. There was the glimmer of the man she recognised behind all that exhaustion and pain.**

**"I just want to make the most of this...I want every moment I spend with you to mean something, I want to remember..."**

**"You're speaking as though I am going to die."**

**He pulled her closer again and she let out a breath between her lips.**

**"Well, one day you will."**

**She whispered.**

**"And what makes you so sure I'll be the first one to go?!"**

**He asked, and against her she could hear the amusement in his voice, but somewhere deep inside she couldn't seem to shift the feeling that one day he was going to leave her behind.**

**"We'll do something."**

**He said, seeing her forehead crease with the thoughts behind her eyes.**

**"We'll do whatever you want to do...and we'll remember it. Now! Stop being morbid and come and have sex with me in the car."**

**He pulled away from her slightly and nudged her forwards whilst her eyes widened and she looked up at him.**

**"Excuse me?"**

**She whispered, all too aware of the elderly woman passing them by with her zimmer frame, and the carer who walked at her side who seemed all too interested in their conversation.**

**"I'm joking. Do I look well enough for that sort of thing? But it made you smile, so..."**

**He gestured to where she had parked the car. Finally, she saw where she had parked!**

**"Let's go home."**

**He said, and as she stepped off the curb in front of him she reached out surreptitiously place a playful smack against her skirt.**

****Hello everyone, I'm back! I apologise for the huge delay. We are all set up with internet now after a lengthy period without it, so now I have no excuses...****

****I have decided that I will dedicate a day of the week to each of the stories that I write, so from now on the official day that this fiction will be updated will be Friday, however if I happen to get a chance to write any extra updates on any other days of the week, I will update them there and then.****

****Also, I would very much like to hear any ideas you have?! Or anything you would like to see happen? I'm saying this on each of my stories because I love hearing your ideas, and turning them into something that I could incorporate into my writing!****

****I hope you're all well? And thank you ever so much for all the lovely reviews and messages! xx****


	28. Chapter 28

**They were home. Much to Max's relief. On the way home he had been struck by a sudden wave of nausea that turned his skin a clammy white, and they had been forced to pull over in a lay by so that he could lean out of the door to throw up. **

**Zoe had rubbed his back and whispered to him, she'd run her fingers through his hair and handed him a baby wipe from the glove compartment when he had finished. He'd flopped back, motionless against the seat next to her, and without a word spoken between them they had driven home.**

**Now Zoe could hear the hiss and rush of water in the pipes as Max lay in the bath. The bathroom door was left partially open and soft tendrils of steam curled from beneath the door into the hallway.**

**Tabitha was bouncing on her bed and Zoe stood at the window, counting her jumps. Every now and then she glanced out into the street beyond, watching the women in the house down the street accept various male visitors who seemed to drive around the block several times before finally stopped, as though they were lost or worried about being seen.**

**"Mummy?"**

**Tabitha bounced higher, the mattress springs of her little bed making a satisfying 'boinging' noise as she kicked with her legs.**

**"Mummy?!"**

**She shouted this time and Zoe jumped.**

**"Sorry..."**

**"You weren't counting!"**

**Tabitha let herself fall mid-jump back onto the bed so that she sat cross legged, her arms folded about her chest and her bottom lip stuck out.**

**Zoe sighed and glanced again to the window.**

**"Sorry."**

**She murmured, another car had parked outside the house now, and Tabitha slipped off the bed to join her at the glass.**

**"They seem to have an awful lot of visitors."**

**She said, more to herself than to Tabitha who was busy picking the paint from a flaking bit of the window sill until Zoe swiped at her hand, stopping her.**

**"Prostitutes."**

**Tabitha said with a shrug, and she scrambled back up onto the bed to begin bouncing again.**

**"Do you think so?"**

**Zoe asked, frowning, peering against the glass to try to see better in the fading light before she paused, and glanced back at her daughter who was trying in vain to touch the ceiling with each bounce.**

**"Where did you learn that?!"**

**She asked incredulously.**

**Tabitha shrugged mid-jump and squealed as she touched the ceiling with her middle fingertip.**

**"Daddy."**

**She answered, her voice breathless, her hair bouncing and billowing about her head with each jump.**

**"I should have guessed..."**

**Zoe rolled her eyes and watched as Tabitha gained the motion in which she managed to touch the ceiling each and every time she bounced. She smiled. She thought how simple Tabitha's life was, how happy she was that she could touch the ceiling with one finger after trying for so long. She knew in Tabitha's mind this meant that she had grown taller since the last time she had tried, and that alone was reason to smile.**

**"One more bounce and it's bed time."**

**Zoe watched her daughter turn to her in mid-air to stick her tongue out, and she couldn't help but laugh.**

**"Daddy's waiting for you to say goodnight."**

**She tried again, knowing that the mention of Daddy was Tabitha's biggest weakness. She stopped bouncing and lay flat out on the bed staring up at the light, her chest rising and falling quickly, her heart sounding loudly within her ears.**

**"Oh-kay!"**

**She sighed and rolled off the bed with such force that Zoe made to catch her, but she landed on her feet and by the time Zoe had looked up she was already on the landing making her way to the bathroom.**

**Zoe turned and took one last look out of the window. The sun was setting, it was burning up the edges of the clouds around it so that it hurt her eyes to look. The sky was a brilliant neon orange laced with pink and all around her the birds called good-night to one another. She glanced again to the house, just one car was parked outside. **

**She closed the curtains. She could hear splashing from the bathroom, and Tabitha's shriek of laughter, and the pretend annoyance in Max's voice.**

**She followed the noise, leaning against the doorway, looking down on Max who peered up at her from the bath, twisting his head to an odd angle.**

**"Your daughter is laughing at my naked body. Again."**

**His voice sounded strained as he spoke and Zoe moved further into the bathroom to sit on the closed lid of the toilet opposite him so that he could hold his head at a more comfortable angle.**

**"You've got bubbles on your.."**

**"Alright!"**

**Max cut Tabitha off with a flick of bubbles at her face and she squealed with laughter again and buried her face in one of the towels that hung from the back of the door, wiping the bubbles from her nose.**

**"Well, if you will..."**

**"Don't you start."**

**Max pointed at Zoe with a bubble covered finger, his eyes glittering, a grin spreading across his lips. Zoe rolled her eyes and crossed her legs, the toilet was cold against her thighs.**

**"Now, go to bed you."**

**He looked again to Tabitha who had finished with the towel and was standing above him, her fingers dabbling in the water by his shoulder.**

**"I've got plans for your mother."**

**He added, and Tabitha screwed up her nose and made a gagging noise in the back of her throat.**

**"Not ****_those _****sort of plans. God, you're as bad as each other...Go to bed..."**

**He flicked her again but she dodged the water this time and hopped over the strip of metal that separated the bathroom floor from the landing carpet.**

**Zoe drew in a breath. She understood Tabitha's aversion to sleep. She didn't want to waste precious time with something as prosaic as sleep. When you were as young as Tabitha was, and when you were facing the threat of life without somebody as she herself was, every second that belonged to them counted as though they were the last.**

**Tabitha swung her legs for a moment before puffing out a breath, giving in.**

**"Come and say night night to me though."**

**She called as she always did, as she danced her way back to her bedroom.**

**Zoe ran her fingers across her forehead. She listened for the click of Tabitha's door closing before she glanced back to Max who was looking at her, his eyes narrowed, that grin still lacing his lips.**

**"So what plans have you got for me then, Mr Walker?"**

**She asked, and Max bit the skin of his bottom lip.**

**"You'll have to wait and see."**

**He said simply.**

****Hello everyone! Thank you for the reviews. As requested this update will be a fluff-filled update involving Tabitha :) I hope it's what those who requested it wanted! :) xxx****


	29. Chapter 29

**"So, what are these plans that you have for me?"**

**Zoe asked, trailing after Max as he led her into the sitting room, his hand about hers, his palm warm, the very touch of him making her feel safe.**

**"Sit."**

**He said simply, and he offered out his hand that held her own, gesturing for her to sit down on the sofa, and when she obliged, he sat next to her, drawing her in against him, closing his eyes against the sweet clean scent of her hair.**

**She smiled against him, interlinking their fingers, tying to ignore how thin the skin across the back of his hand seemed as she ran her thumb back and forth across it.**

**"I was going to cook you dinner, but I think I might order a takeaway."**

**He murmured, his breath tickling her ear and she grinned, twisting against him slightly so that she could look up at him. How happy that simple sentence had made her...how it had made her think of how it used to be, when he would promise her dinner and they would end up ordering in because he couldn't bare to be apart from her long enough to cook...**

**Was it crazy, she wondered, to be as grateful as she felt now, for moments like this, in a world that had atomic bombs in it? People were still tearing each other into pieces. There was still murder, starvation, unrest, in Iraq—and God knows where else. Britain itself was sliding into bankruptcy and decay. Was it a kind of idiocy or selfishness, to want to be able to give yourself over to the trifles - the secret closeness of your lover, knowing that despite the cancer that rots within him, he's still here? Or were those trifles all she had? She drew in a breath and tilted her chin to kiss his lips, feeling for a moment as though she hadn't kissed him in far too long.**

**He smiled against her lips, and he kissed her back – an open mouthed kiss that took her somewhat by surprise. His kiss see-sawed between passion and grief, and she could feel his love all over again, as though it were bright, shining and brand new. His love was so fierce that if she stopped to think, it would frighten her.**

**Instead of shying away she kissed him back until her face was flushed and she felt him begin to relax. She pulled back, her lips swollen, her breath uneven, shaken by what she felt deep inside.**

**"I love you..."**

**She whispered, before she had even known she was going to speak.**

**He narrowed his eyes slightly and chewed on the flesh of his bottom lip.**

**"I love you too."**

**He said quietly, after a moments pause.**

**"So..."**

**He spoke again, and Zoe tuned back around in his arms so that he could cuddle her from behind, keeping her safe, making sure she was comfortable.**

**"Indian? Chinese? That Malaysian place with the delivery woman that looks like Danny DeVito?"**

**She laughed silently as he spoke and made a low murmured hum in the back of her throat as she pondered the decision.**

**"You choose."**

**She whispered, enjoying the feel of him against her.**

**He thought for a moment, and then he smoothed the palm of his right hand from her shoulder down to her wrist, where she held her hand against her stomach.**

**"I think we should wait until we're really hungry..."**

**He murmured, and there was something in his voice, something familiar that she couldn't quite place.**

**"I know I said upstairs that this wasn't part of the plan, but..."**

**"Max..."**

**She cut him off. She knew it now, the subtle change in his voice, the movement of his fingers as the very tips of them stroked the back of her hand, making her shiver.**

**She twisted against him again and looked up at him, her eyes wide and dark, glittering in the lamp light.**

**"You're not supposed to over excerpt yourself."**

**She raised an eyebrow. Part of her wanted him, the part of her that always did, and always had, but part of her, this new part of her was worried, she didn't want to hurt him, she didn't want to risk it...**

**He placed a soft kiss against he forehead, pausing as he pulled away to run his lips across her frown.**

**"We wouldn't even have to move..."**

**He whispered, feeling the dim flicker of his old self again. **

**"We could do it here, I could undress you...slowly, I could love you...slowly..."**

**He cocked his head to one side, he could see the thought process within her eyes and he smiled slowly, that smile that never failed to win her over, it made her giddy, it made her blush. It was like liquor, it made her drunk and giddy, and when his breath came on her mouth it was hot and damp, and he kissed her gently, cautiously, before pulling away.**

**"Let me?"**

**He murmured, and she swallowed, raising a hand to touch at her lips, her mouth was wet from his, and she drew In a breath, steadying herself, before giving an ever so slight nod of her head.**

**-.- **

**More very soon, I hope this was ok! My letter 'R' keeps sticking so I apologise if I'm missing a few... Reviews and requests welcome as always :) xxx**


	30. Chapter 30

When he kissed her she held her breath, as if she feared he would blow away should she exhale. He touched his fingertips to her jaw and she felt the tremble of his hand.

"I've missed this..."

He whispered, his lips brushing her own. He leant back ever so slightly, looking back at her, his blue eyes pale, but so full of everything...everything he wanted to say but couldn't bring himself to.

Instead he moved closer, he held her tightly, pressing his body against hers, urging her back against the sofa whilst running both hands up and down her back, taking in as much of her as he could. The scent of her filled him – her hair, her make up, her skin...

Closing his eyes, he lowered his face into the curve of her neck and sighed. This was what he'd been missing - this was his whole world.

They stayed that way for a while, just holding on to each other, his body held above hers, against her, their breath laboured, until the stroking of his hands over her slowed into something more deliberate.

Zoe arched against him slightly and the air around them seemed to charge the way it does before a storm. Max lifted his head and kissed the spot just above the fabric of her collar.

"I've missed you..."

He whispered again, and again he opened his mouth to suck lightly on the flesh he'd kissed. She shuddered and exhaled a breath laced with his name, her hands tightening on him. She turned her face to his. How long she had waited for this...how long she had worried that it would never come.

Max tasted as only he could, of cigarettes half forgotten and left to smoulder into ash at his fingertips, and his lips tasted of him, of only him, a taste that made her breath catch on a half-intake and she gasped, breaking the kiss to look back up at him, her head resting on the arm of the sofa.

He looked down at her, her hair splayed about her, her bottom lip giving the hint of a wobble as she swallowed. He smiled slightly. He knew what she was thinking, he always did. He pressed himself more firmly against her so that he could whisper to her, his lips against her ear.

"I love you."

He whispered, and she closed her eyes, a solid aching lump forming deep within her throat.

He smoothed her hair, pushing his fingers through it, whilst with his other hand he began to touch her again with those long strokes, up and down the side of her body. A touch that meant her only coherent thought was that he had to touch her, he had to keep touching her.

She needed his hands on her skin, nothing between them. He moved back slightly, holding her hips tightly against his. Reaching down, he began working her skirt up over her knees. She was flushed, her mouth open, her eyes dark, and she was beautiful...his wife.

She smiled up at him, a dream like smile, and he was lost reached out to trail one finger down the buttons on her blouse, from her chest to where they disappeared into her skirt. His short nail making a ticking sound against each one.

When his hand reached her waist, he slid it sideways, curving up and over the delicate rise of her ribs until his fingers rested just beneath her breast. He could feel her heart beneath his palm. He pressed his body more firmly against her, urging her legs apart, slipping himself between them so that she had no choice but to wrap herself around him, and she closed her eyes and arched her head back, pushing herself against him in return, exposing the skin of her throat.

Max bent his head to place feather-light kisses where the hot blood ran beneath her skin. His hands moved to cup her face, fingers slipping into her hair as he kissed her again, touching his tongue against hers, making her moan into his mouth, and his hips rocked, rocked, rocked against hers. He stopped thinking about anything but the feel of her in his hands, her hot little tongue in his mouth, the press of her breasts against his chest and the roll of her hips against his.

He had her blouse almost off. Her lips were wet and swollen and a soft flush rose from her neck to her cheeks as a small, secret smile played about her mouth - a look that was only ever for him.

Her hands cupped his face, her soft fingers tracing along his jaw as she guided him down to her mouth once more. He tried to hold back, to slow himself down, but the need to be with her was too much. He gripped the fabric of her skirt again, pulling her tightly against him, and she pushed up against him to kiss him fiercely.

The world narrowed to their mouths, their hands, as they fumbled with buttons and zips.

"You wear too many clothes."

He murmured, slipping an arm beneath her to battle with the clasp of her bra and she answered with a sound that was half-laugh, half-moan and began to tug at the hem of his jumper.

Finally, finally, he succeeded in releasing the clasp and they were skin to skin, their bodies straining for purchase.

Max tried to reach between them, to touch her, but she shook her head and wrapped her legs around him tighter.

"Please..."

She whispered.

"I need you inside me."

It was happening too fast. He was right on the edge and he had to wait, had to give her pleasure first. But her hips shifted, guiding him, and she took him in, and in, and he didn't have the strength to resist.

She moved, he moved, every pulse a sharp spear of sensation so intense it was almost unbearable. Her body was hot and soft and everywhere around him and he succumbed to her gladly.

Everything was too much, too good. The way she arched against him, the salty taste of her skin, the moans that caught in her throat, her hands on him. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't stop, and when she shuddered and cried out, contracting around him, it tore through him, the searing white heat of his release making him light headed, making him feel as though he were falling, falling...

He drew in a breath, barely holding himself up, barely able to stop himself from collapsing onto her.

He felt a vibration against his shoulder, he felt her lips part and she dipped her head, her body trembling, and he realised all at once that she was laughing.

"Uh...correct me if I'm wrong, I know we haven't done 'it' for a while...but I don't think you're supposed to find it funny?"

He raised an eyebrow as she glanced up at him, her face flushed, her lips pursed shut against a smile.

"I'm sorry, I'm just happy..."

She whispered, and he felt the bubble of a laugh make her shiver again.

"I think we set a speed record this time."

She added, biting her lip.

"Would've been faster if you didn't wear all those clothes."

He added and she drew in a breath, and looked up at him, their bodies still intertwined, still joined.

"I've missed you so much."

She whispered.

**-.-**

**Ooer! There must be something in the water today. I've received eleven reviews/messages on here/Tumblr/Twitter asking for more smut in the next chapter/s on three of my stories. **

**I hope this update will do for now! **

**Round two of Max and Zoe's 'smut night' tomorrow...do let me know if there is anything in particular that you'd like to see them get up to! (you can let me know anonymously, if you'd like!)**

**xxx**


	31. Chapter 31

**To the guest that pointed out that I hadnt continued their evening of smut... I apologise! It slipped my mind completely. In my defence I do have two small children and very little time...but I SHOULD be better at MAKING time. So I'm sorry (again). I hope this makes up for it...**

**-.-**

"We're not doing it again."

Zoe smiled as she spoke. She stretched lazily against Max's upper body, allowing him a moment to run his hands across the smooth rise and fall of her stomach before she relaxed again.

"Aren't we?"

He asked, struggling against a yawn. He hadn't realised how tired this sort of activity would make him, but he was determined to give her a night to remember, despite everything.

"We haven't done it twice in one night since we first got together..."

She murmured, seeking out his fidgeting fingers with her own, and holding them steady against her shoulder.

"Ah, those were the days... twice in one night was the bare minimum if I remember correctly?"

His voiced hummed against the side of her head, making her shiver, and goosebumps led a trail down her arms. She smiled, those days just seemed so very far away...

"You know I love you."

He whispered.

"I know..."

Her smile widened, she couldn't help it.

"No...you've looked after me. You've put up with a lot..."

"You've been the model patient."

She cut him off, now wasn't the time to be talking about that. She didn't want to think about the cancer, she just wanted nice thoughts.

He touched his fingers to her chin, and tilted her face gently up towards his and kissed her.

"Thank you."

He murmured, and she knew in that moment that he was thanking her for everything – for the very first time they had kissed, and she had kissed him back, for their time in Michigan, for saying 'yes', for having his child...for loving him...

She kissed him back, pulling him so close that there was barely a breath between them. They'd shared enough kisses now that it should have begun to feel routine, but it hadn't - even the thought that it could become routine to kiss Max was a thrill of it's own.

He cradled her head, his palm was gentle at her neck, his thumb brushing her cheek, and his other arm was around her waist, and she was touching him too, her fingers against his jaw, feeling the roughness of fresh stubble before letting her hand drop to his shoulder where she splayed her fingers, the muscles of his back smooth beneath the wool of his jumper, the nudge of his hip against hers as they held each other close, so close...and a shudder passed from her lips to her stomach to... somewhere else.

It was the point of no return, when suddenly she knew what fierce impulse would make a person want to tear another person's clothes right off, because that impulse was surging through her. She was half naked against him, but they had been too quick, too eager, to shed any of his clothes earlier, and now, in this more languid love making, they became restricting and she dropped her hands to the hem of his top, tugging gently, signalling to him that she wanted more, she wanted skin on skin.

He pulled back, and with one surprisingly fluid motion, he pulled the jumper over his head and let it fall to the floor. She shivered, whether at the cold, or from anticipation she wasn't sure, but the sight of his chest rising and falling with each lifes breath made her chest ache.

The space between them was too wide, she couldn't bear it. She closed it again, both arms around his shoulders to pull him to her, overbalancing them both and they fell back, toppling into the soft cushions of the sofa.

'You ok?'

He asked her, seeing her wince as she unfolded her leg that had become trapped between his body and the back of the sofa.

'Yes! Yes...'

She smiled.

She could feel the blood in her veins moving faster.

She wrapped herself around him every way she could, legs about his hips, hands moving across his stomach and brushing the line of his hip bones. He hitched her closer. She wanted him to touch her everywhere, she wanted to be so completely his that she forgot every bit of herself.

She wriggled closer to kiss him open-mouthed, tasting him again – gone was the taste of cigarettes – now it was him, and him alone. He curled one arm around her hips – she loved it when he did that - pulling her to him so that their bodies fitted together so perfectly, angles and curves tucking into corners and concaves. He nuzzled her shoulder and kissed her throat before moving up, to the honey coloured skin of her jaw, and finally, to her lips.

They kissed for a while, holding on tight, and it was its own beautiful thing - they could kiss, or they could touch each other, or they could hold each other, and it was all theirs to choose, and all of it was its own wonder.

She moved her legs higher about his waist, her toes just touching his lower back, edging him closer, and her skin flushed with pleasure to feel the tell tale nudge and swell of him between her legs.

'What are we doing?'

He asked, grinning down at her.

"Recapturing our youth?"

She murmured, biting her lip against a smile, and to further her point she arched her back, pushing her hips to meet his.

'Well, all right then.'

He sighed, rolling his eyes and touching his forehead to hers, nudging her nose with his.

Her skirt was still bunched about her waist, but she found, as he tugged her closer still, that the fabric balled up beneath her back only made it so that her hips were tilted up towards him, a sensation that made her head dizzy, and she gasped with want as he touched her to make sure she was ready.

'Please,'

She whispered.

And with his eyes on hers, his lips parted, he pushed himself inside her again, and although it was familiar, they had made love countless times, the tightening of her legs about his waist still made him grunt and move faster, and his kisses behind her ear still made her lose her breath for a moment.

He was near his peak, she could feel it. She was close too, but less so. She pictured how sweet it would be to both be there together – like they used to. She had a sudden flash of clarity about what would make it happen - it was all to do with angles.

She let go of him for a moment, fumbled awkwardly, throwing them both off.

'I'm sorry,'

She said, at his quizzical look.

'Wait just a moment, please.'

He paused, trembling with the effort, eyebrows raised with amusement.

She rolled up her skirt higher, pushing the fabric more firmly beneath her so that it made a cushion beneath her hips, lifting her ever so slightly off the sofa.

'All right.'

She said.

'Finished?'

He asked, his eyes glittering as he pushed so slowly back into her, making her gasp and raise her hips to his – he closed his eyes and let his head fall so that it was resting against her shoulder, his back arched, pushing into her, deeper than they remembered ever having been before.

He kissed her then, and it was as if he was kissing her with his whole self, with nothing held back. He began to move within her, against her, over her, and nothing could have prepared her for the sheer animal physicality of it. She turned her head to kiss the bunched muscle of his arm, the skin there warm and salty. She threaded her fingers through his hair and watched the intensity of his face, the strain of holding himself back, and knew how much it must take for him just to hold himself up above her. She shuddered about him, she could feel herself tensing with pleasure with each thrust of his hips.

She had been right. The angle was perfect, and It only took a few moments more and then they both cried out together, shuddering and jerking, holding each other so tightly, whilst lights danced in their eyes like the aftermath of a star exploding.

They lay there then, waiting for their hearts to slow, talking about nothing, watching as the dim light played in the corners of the room, shadow and light surrounding them.

"I thought we weren't going to do it again?"

He whispered, tilting his head so that he could kiss her on the forehead. She smiled.

"As always, Mr Walker, I failed to resist you."

She sighed, and cuddled up closer to him, enjoying the warmth of his skin against her own.

"Well, at least we've worked up an appetite..."

He murmured, his lips brushing against her hair.

-.-

**I will try to be better at updating, I really will. And I'm sorry, again! **

**I do hope this made up for it. xxx**


	32. Chapter 32

From outside came the gentle hiss of the rain, the incessant pattering and the rising roar of water against the wheels of passing cars. On the path outside the house, the even grey slabs had a rainbow sheen - all that was left of Tabitha's game of hopscotch from the day before. The outline was still there, a ghostly shadow of what it was before the heavy rains that pounded the city last night.

Above the sky was dominated by tumbling greys, smoky and was early morning, just early enough to be able to see, but still dark enough to blot out the detail.

Zoe stretched. She was lying on her side, one hand tucked neatly beneath the pillow case, the other she raised above her as she eased every muscle from her fingertips to her toes, sighing with contentment as she rolled over, the covers rustling in the way that only feather duvets do.

She stretched an arm across Max's exposed chest. He had slept naked, something he hadn't done for months. Now he shivered as he woke, feeling the chill of the air in the room, and he yawned loudly, opening his eyes, squinting against the dim grey light.

"Morning."

Zoe murmured, hugging him close. She smiled against his chest, his skin cool and soft against her cheek.

"Morning..."

Max tugged her closer, wrapping his arms about her and bringing her so close that he could kiss her hair, her forehead, and the bridge of her nose, making her smile.

"I don't think I've slept that well in..."

Max paused, another yawn making him roll his head back against the head bored.

"Months."

He concluded, withdrawing his hand momentarily from where it rested on Zoe's shoulder so that he could rub at his eyes with the heel of his hand, they were watering from the ferocity of his yawns. He sniffed and stroked her shoulder again.

Zoe's smile grew and she gazed towards the curtains. They hadn't quite closed them properly the night before, and now, looking through them she could see the rain spattered window, how the raindrops glimmered and sparkled against the pixelated flares of pink and orange lights from the city, from passing cars – and how each silver droplet skittered or slithered against the glass, blurring the dark blue-grey sky beyond.

Max drew in a breath, only to exhale it all at once. There was something about the day, about that morning that made him want to get up and _do _something. Or perhaps it was just that he was feeling better? He paused in his thoughts for a moment to run through how he usually felt – there was no headache, despite the beat of the rain outside – the raindrops were bigger now, bigger than prairie hailstones and coming down just as hard – there were no aching limbs, his stretched out his legs just to make sure. None. But most noticeably, there was no nausea, no feeling of dread, as though each waking moment was a chore...

"I'm going to make us breakfast in bed."

He spoke as soon as he had decided. Zoe raised her head abruptly, her eyebrows furrowed in the middle with a frown, her lips pursed as though he had said something far more unusual than suggesting breakfast.

"What?"

She asked, though she had heard him perfectly.

"Breakfast... I'm going to make some. For us..."

He spoke slowly, as though speaking to a young child and she rolled her eyes.

"You don't feel nauseas?"

She asked, her frown deepening. He shook his head slowly, barely wanting to admit it in case he was jinxing himself. He leant over slowly and tapped against the wood of the bedside table.

"Nope. Touch wood..."

He murmured, withdrawing his hand and pushing himself up in the bed so that Zoe had to shuffle to one side. She tugged the covers up over her chest and watched as he climbed out of bed. He looked different, she realised. It was in the way he moved, he wasn't hunched over as he had been, he stood straighter now, and his cheeks were flushed from the cold, they were no longer pale...

"Any requests...?"

He asked as he reached for his dressing gown from where it was hung on the back of the door. He pulled it about himself with a nimbleness that he had missed, and he tied it tightly at his waist, well aware that Zoe was watching his every move.

"Surprise me."

She said quietly, tilting her head to one side as she leant against the headboard, the duvet pulled up to her chin and she narrowed her eyes, unsure whether to be amused or suspicious at this sudden change after the night before.

He caught her look as he opened the door. He grinned, lowering his chin, looking over at her.

"I'll see what I can do."

He said simply, and closed the door behind himself.

-.-  
**Just a getting there chapter I'm afraid, there will be more action coming up. If that's what people would like to see? I'm always open to suggestions, and love to hear whether people prefer fluff/smut/drama or anything else...! ** **In the following chapters we will see some familiar faces from the past ...xxx**


	33. Chapter 33

"Pan-au-chocolat..."

Max announced as he re-entered the bedroom. He pushed the door open with one foot, frowning with concentration as he steadied the tray he held before allowing the door to swing closed behind him.

"Really?!"

Zoe glanced up from the magazine that she was reading and let the glossy pages fall closed against the duvet.

"Yep. I found one of those thingys..."

He set the tray down on her lap and gestured with his hand, making a swirling motion whilst he racked his brains for the right words.

"One of those roll out the pastry, do-it-yourself-kits that you like."

He concluded, and she smiled at his words, she had forgotten that there was one in the fridge...she had forgotten, but he had remembered...

"Thank you."

She whispered, holding the tray steady as he clambered over her back into the bed. The mattress groaned and the frame of the bed creaked beneath his weight.

"And hot chocolate."

He said as he pulled the covers up carefully about his waist.

"Thank you."

She said again, tilting her head to one side to touch briefly against his shoulder. He shivered and kissed the top of her head before she moved again, holding one side of the tray with one hand, and with the other she lifted the _Ziggy Stardust_ mug and passed it to him before reaching for her own.

"What're you going to do with yourself today, now that you're feeling so much better?"

She asked as she dipped her lips to the mug. She took a sip, and then, as she felt the warm liquid touch her tongue she realised what he had said – hot chocolate...Max's hot chocolate. She felt an unexpected lump form in her throat and she strained to swallow.

She lowered the mug to her lap, nestling it between the tray and her chest so that she could feel the heat of it radiating through the fabric. She looked down at it. The hot chocolate was more like melted Belgian truffle. It was dark, and rich and it coated the inside of her mouth. She swallowed again. The chocolate was swirled with whispers of cream, foam and spotted with melting curls of grated chocolate. It flowed as slowly as cream as she swirled the mug, and it smelled bitter-sweet and warm, and for a moment she was torn between wanting to savour it or inhale it.

For some moments she merely sat, with her hands wrapped around the ceramic mug, letting the warmth flow through her fingers, banishing the wintry chill that lingered in the room. She licked her lips, tasting it again. Happiness. As simple as a mug of chocolate or tortuous as the heart. Bitter. Sweet. Alive.

"Zo..."

Max nudged her gently and she glanced up. He smiled slightly, and she realised all at once that he had answered her question and she hadn't heard a word.

"I know a day of crosswords, _Loose Women_ and Playstation 4 isn't your idea of a good day, but..."

"Sorry. I'm sorry."

She leant against him again, and she felt him smile against her.

"_Loose women?!"_

She said suddenly, glancing up at him. His smile widened and he tapped his fingers against his mug.

"Just checking you were paying attention this time."

He said quietly and shifted slightly so that he could put an arm about her, but as he moved the rustle of something beneath the covers distracted him and he pushed his hand into the pocket of his dressing gown instead.

"Post. I forgot. I left the bills downstairs but this one was for you..."

He handed it to her, it was warm from his pocket and creased from where he had sat on it.

"It's from America."

She frowned, noting the post mark.

-.-

Thank you for the sweet reviews on the last few chapters. One of you asked for 'a happy end to this fic with lots of smut and fluff along the way' – that's exactly what I intend this to be! :) Although I'll add in a bit of drama too...in fact there's a bit of drama about to come up...xxx


	34. Chapter 34

"Who's it from?"

Max asked for the second time in as many minutes, and again Zoe held up her free hand to silence him as she frowned down at the piece of paper she held between her fingers.

She scanned the hand-written words – cursive and beautiful, all neatly spaced - there weren't many, but she couldn't help but read them over and over.

Finally she passed it to him and he licked his fingers clean of butter before accepting it.

_Mrs. Zoe Walker,_

_Forgive this letter – out of the blue and after such a long time. _

_I gather from your change of name that you and Max married, congratulations. I always knew you were meant to be._

_You must wonder why I am writing to you, after all these years. Henry has accepted a six month post at St James Hospital. Myself and the children are accompanying him. We arrive June 12__th__ and will be staying at the above address. _

_Of course I'd understand if you wouldn't want to, but if you did want to meet up, I would love to see you._

_Helena Mollengraaf _

"Well that's..."

He glanced up at her, paused, and then looked back down at it.

"...unexpected?"

She offered, watching as he re-read the words for the second time.

"Mmm..."

He folded it in half thoughtfully and placed it on the tray. He was silent, his eyes narrowed with the faraway glint of blue that she had seen so little of lately. She couldn't tell what thoughts were passing behind those eyes, she lacked the skill that he wielded so easily, the ability to see beyond a persons façade to what secrets lay beneath.

"I don't think you should meet up."

He said finally. She raised an eyebrow.

"I just don't see why she would want to...after all this time."

He cleared his throat, catching the purse of her lips, and all of a sudden she knew very well what he was thinking, despite the fact that he hadn't said it.

"I don't want you around that man..."

"Max..."

She placed a hand on his forearm as he reached for he made to take a sip of his hot chocolate. She smiled as he widened his eyes at her.

"I can't believe she's even still with him after..."

He paused and touched his tongue to his teeth.

"He's a twat."

He muttered and she struggled not to laugh.

"Look at you being all protective and...'manly'."

She bit her lip against the smile and he arced an eyebrow, lowering his cup again.

"I'll have you know I am _very _manly! I just like to save it up, for when the manliness is really called for."

He finally raised his cup again and took a sip, licking the cream from his lips as he swallowed and she smiled again, she couldn't help but think how she would like to kiss the cream from his lips...

"Fair enough."

She murmured, and took a sip of her own chocolate, allowing the warmth of it to fill her, and she shivered as she swallowed.

"Anyway,"

She said, holding the mug to her chest.

"I agree with you."

"You do?"

He looked surprised.

"Mmm. As curious as I am, and as much as I wouldn't mind seeing _her_. I don't want to go there again, I don't want to see _him_ again."

She hunkered down next to him, leaning against him as she took another sip of hot chocolate, breathing it in, allowing herself the joy of the warm fuzzy feeling that never failed to bloom within her when she smelled that unmistakeable scent of Max's hot chocolate. That combined with the smell of Max himself made her sigh with happiness as she let her head fall to his shoulder. She inhaled again, deeper this time. There was always a hint of tobacco smoke lingering about his person, but his scent was so much more exotic than just that, so much more intoxicating...the smell of his deodorant – one of her favourites – intermingling with the outlandish aroma of charcoal flames and cinnamon.

She turned her head to kiss the top of his shoulder.

"I'm sure we will manage to keep out of their way."

She whispered, her lips against the warmth of his pyjama top.

**-.-**

**Thank you so much for the lovely, sweet messages and reviews! They never fail to make me smile :) I hope this update is enjoyed as well, and I wish you all a happy weekend! (Casualty tomorrow, hooray!) xxx**


	35. Chapter 35

Zoe's heels struck against the frosted tarmac. The world was blanketed beneath the veil of ice and snow, as though it were slumbering beneath it, each daffodil and snowdrop bulb embedded beneath the frozen soil waiting patiently to rise, like a gift to everyone who should see it. And how fitting, today, for the start of winter to reveal itself like a gift.

She sucked in the cold air and felt it bristle and pull tight within her chest. She was flushed and breathless and she pulled her coat more tightly about herself, wrapping her arms about her waist, hugging herself to counter against the shiver of her body beneath the wool of her coat. And as she made her way across the car park towards the hospital entrance she was warmer inside than she had been in summer time, and she raised her face to the clear blue sky, smiling deliciously in the morning sun.

On her way to the double doors she slowed her step, she reached out to touch her fingers to the cool brick of the hospital, just at the corner where she and Max had smoked so many cigarettes.

She exhaled, her breath white before her, rising up, and up until it disappeared completely and she was left facing the trees in the distance. Icicles dangled from their stark grey skeletons. She drew in another chilled breath and glanced down at her feet – to the frosted ends of forgotten cigarettes frozen solid into puddles that showed her own reflection as clear as a mirror and the chill breeze that sliced through the air seemed to whisper _'ice... ice... ice...'_

She pushed her hands into her pockets and drew up her shoulders, shuddering. She stood listening and watching. All was quiet. Hardly even a breeze about the building. Yet somewhere in the distance there was the rumble of a wheelchair, or a trolley, the murmur of voices, and in the trees a robin sang a melody she had heard a thousand times over and never before.

"Dr Walker..."

A familiar voice roused her from her thoughts and she turned, still smiling.

"_Mrs _Beauchamp."

She bit her lip against her greeting. Connie pressed her arm briefly against her own, smiling too – there seemed to be something in the air today...

"You seem to be shining – like the ice..."

Connie murmured as they fell into step with one another, nodding to someone as they approached the hospital entrance. The double doors hissed open, a belch of warm air sucking them in.

Zoe laughed in response, though she glanced at Connie out of the corner of her eyes. Her face was pale from the cold, her hair darker than she'd seen it before and it was loose about her face in glossy curls that bounced about her shoulders despite the damp in the air.

They passed through reception without a word – their relationship was such that they were just as comfortable with words as without. They reached the navy double-doors with their smudged glass windows and their dull chrome handles – worn dull from use.

"How's Max?"

Connie asked, pausing, and Zoe looked away from the highly polished linoleum floor to catch a glimpse of the hallway that stretched beyond them, cut into tiny squares by the thin wire in the window panels.

She smiled again, she couldn't help it.

"Better. He seemed much better this morning."

Connie smiled in response, a curious knowing smile that creased the skin at the corners of her eyes. Without pause she pushed with the weight of her body against the doors, though she needn't have as it swung open soundlessly and with ease.

"You give me hope, you know, you and Max."

A draft of air buffeted towards them as the doors closed behind them, cool air with a tincture of bleach. Ahead lay magnolia walls, decorated with old black and white photographs and paintings made by local primary school children and instead of straight walls the hallway had a curve, disappearing slowly from sight.

"Hope?"

Zoe repeated, adjusting the straps of her handbag on her shoulder.

Every few seconds they passed a different set of doors with a hand-sanitizer dispenser: to oncology, to outpatients, to maternity. They bypassed them all heading for the ED.

"Mmm."

Connie's heels sounded loudly against the floor, louder than her own, Zoe realised, though she didn't have the time to wonder why this would be.

"Well if _you_ can maintain such a strong relationship for so long..."

Zoe's laugh cut her off and once again Connie leant against her ever so slightly, a look of affection playing behind those pretty hazel eyes.

They reached the doors to the ED, beyond them they could hear the hum of movement – of voices and bodies, of rubber soled shoes and the rumble of trolleys.

"You'll find someone."

Zoe said, distracted by the sudden prickling feeling of being watched. She glanced behind herself to the empty corridor from where they had come before leaning against the door.

Connie murmured something she didn't catch as they entered the ward, and almost immediately there were calls for _Mrs Beauchamp! and_ bodies of harassed nurses hurried towards her.

"Before I forget..."

Connie lowered her voice.

"Dr Mollengraaf...did you-"

"I heard."

Zoe cut her off as Rita came to an abrupt halt in front of them, her dark eyes wide, her lips parted, ready to speak, and Connie reached out to squeeze Zoe's forearm gently as they parted ways.

-.-

I'd neglected this, I apologise. This is for Amy, I hope you enjoyed it? Happy New Year to all, and thank you for continuing to read this! xxx


	36. Chapter 36

_**A little note to say...**_

_**I haven't given up on this story! I often receive messages asking if I have given up or abandoned a story – the answer is always no! I will never leave one of my stories unfinished! Even if I haven't updated in a while It's still there in the back of my mind, I'm still writing down ideas and odd bits of dialog to include. **_

_**I am ever so sorry that sometimes it takes a while for me to update, especially if I have said in a previous chapter that I will update again soon. I have two children (4 and 3), and a career to juggle as well as writing these stories, so often it's difficult to find the time to sit down and write. But I'm still here :) **_

_**If you ever want to give me a gentle shove to update a particular story (or to shout at me to tell me to bloody well get on with it) you're more than welcome! **_

_**And finally...most importantly THANK YOU for reading them, THANK YOU for all of the lovely, lovely messages and reviews and THANK YOU for being so patient.**_

_**xxx**_


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